Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
September 15, 2003 - Number 22
Preparing for the High Holy Days III: The Power of Prayer
If every Jewish Holiday has its ritual, than the ritual most associated with the High Holy Days is prayer. From the very beginning of the season, until the final shofar sounds of Yom Kippur, This is a period not just of introspection, but a time of prayer. Much of the prayer is misunderstood and the meaning is often lost on those who come to Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur unprepared. Just as one must prepare in advance for a visit to the opera or a classical concert, we also must prepare our hearts for this most sacred season.
First, we have to understand that the prayers that are contained in our Machzor, the special book we use on these days of Awe, are not, strictly speaking addressed to G-d. While the form that we use is that of pleading with G-d to give us another year of life, health and prosperity, we must understand that G-d already knows what is in our hearts and what our intentions are for the new year. Even before we ask, G-d is well aware of what we have made of our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly. What G-d is waiting for us for us to understand what we have done with our lives. So while we are speaking to G-d, what we really must be doing is listening to what we are saying.
When we read in the Machzor that G-d judges us on these holy days, we have to think about how we look before the ultimate judge. When it says that "Tzedaka, Prayer and Righteous Deeds avert the severity of the decree" we have to think what acts of Tzedaka, Prayer and Righteous Deeds have we done to deserve to have the decree changed. When we call G-d, our Avinu Malkaynu, our Father our King, we have to think about if we have acted as if we are the sons and daughters of the Ruler of the Universe. While not every person is guilty of every sin listed in the confessional, We need to take heed of the ones we ARE guilty of, and resolve to do better in the new year.
Many people come to services on Rosh Hashana and only concern themselves with how much time they will need to spend in the service. How long do they have to sit in their seats until everyone notices that they are there and they feel like they have prayed long enough. Yet, in their hands, in the Machzor, is the key to living a meaningful and holy life. No matter if we are rich or poor, strong or weak, we can live our life better in relationship to G-d and through G-d to all humanity. The Machzor helps us find our way to what is really important in life, to the people who care, and how to be a caring person to others. As one Rabbi once put it, it is not how long it takes one to get through the Machzor, it is about how long it takes the Machzor to get through to us!
Each service has its theme in bringing us closer to G-d. For those who daven every day or at least every week, there are many nuances of the service that can only be discovered after a year of daily prayer or a year of Shabbat prayer. Even the musical changes, the special melodies for Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur and Kol Nidre, are designed to evoke feelings in our hearts and inspire us to realign our lives according to the Jewish values that have guided our people for their entire 5000 year long history. Every prayer and every Poem, the readings from the Torah and the Haftara, the special changes that are designated for this time of year, all of them are calling us to make the changes now that will bring us true happiness and real prosperity in the new year. The Shofar itself is compared to an alarm clock, sounding its call of return and urgency as time is slipping away.
The services for the High Holy Days is not a performance, it is a call to commitment. While the Rabbi and Cantor are leading from the bima, the real action must be taking place in our hearts. We can change, we can be better. We are not locked into some kind of a life as if it was imprinted in our DNA. All it takes is for us to be moved by what we see, hear and experience in Synagogue, and then act upon our decisions to live a more holy life in the year that is beginning.
Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days IV: Apples, Honey and Bread Crumbs
Monday, September 15, 2003
Tuesday, September 9, 2003
HMS-21: Preparing for The High Holy Days II: Forgive and Forget
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
September 9, 2003 - Number 21
Preparing for the High Holy Days II: Forgive and Forget
Forgiveness is one of the key features of the High Holy Day season. Forgiveness works two ways. Our first obligation during the month of Elul, the last month of the Jewish year, is to seek out those who are angry at us, and seek forgiveness for what we have done. This is easy to say but far more difficult to do.
In may entire career as a Rabbi, I find nothing more sad than to see families and friends shattered by a feud. On the one hand, it is a natural and normal fact of life that people argue about what they see and what they believe. Sometimes these arguments are heated and strong. There is no sin in arguing with someone else. As long as there is a conclusion drawn from the argument and there is some reconciliation between the two angry people. Anger should not last 24 or at most, 48 hours. For anger to go on longer is to transform the anger into a grudge. Grudges are wrong. They are useless continuations of anger that go beyond the actual point of the disagreement and carries forward only the hurt feelings. Our first obligation in any disagreement is to finish the fight, reconcile with the one who disagrees and move on with our lives. If not, that the hurt can carry forward far into the future and can destroy many wonderful relationships.
At this time of year, we need to move to end these long term feuds. We must once again approach the person who has offended us and seek a reconciliation. We may not be able to find agreement, but at least we can move to set aside the differences so that a personal relationship can go on. When families reconcile after a long feud, there is always such regret that they did not reconcile sooner, that so much time has been wasted. Don’t let fights go on indefinitely. This is our opportunity to put the anger to rest and find forgiveness. We must not let our lives be filled with a bitterness that will sour our soul. Find all those with whom you are feuding and seek their forgiveness.
This also applies to those whom we have wronged outright. Those whom we can not face again because of what we have done. Here too it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. To admit the error and to see to rectify the damage we have done. After all, how can we ask G-d to forgive our sins if we are not prepared to ask those we have wronged to forgive us as well?
On the other hand, we must also be forgiving. There is not point in making someone else squirm when they are in need of forgiveness. We need to release the past from our minds and let our relationships move on. If we want to be forgiven, we need to be forgiving. Sometimes we can have a profound affect on those we love simply by forgiving them for the minor slights and mistakes that are so much a part of being human. If we let the anger go, it can no longer warp our soul. Once we are free of the hurt and anger of the past, we are ready to enter the new year with hope and faith in the forgiving power of G-d.
Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days III: The Power of Prayer
September 9, 2003 - Number 21
Preparing for the High Holy Days II: Forgive and Forget
Forgiveness is one of the key features of the High Holy Day season. Forgiveness works two ways. Our first obligation during the month of Elul, the last month of the Jewish year, is to seek out those who are angry at us, and seek forgiveness for what we have done. This is easy to say but far more difficult to do.
In may entire career as a Rabbi, I find nothing more sad than to see families and friends shattered by a feud. On the one hand, it is a natural and normal fact of life that people argue about what they see and what they believe. Sometimes these arguments are heated and strong. There is no sin in arguing with someone else. As long as there is a conclusion drawn from the argument and there is some reconciliation between the two angry people. Anger should not last 24 or at most, 48 hours. For anger to go on longer is to transform the anger into a grudge. Grudges are wrong. They are useless continuations of anger that go beyond the actual point of the disagreement and carries forward only the hurt feelings. Our first obligation in any disagreement is to finish the fight, reconcile with the one who disagrees and move on with our lives. If not, that the hurt can carry forward far into the future and can destroy many wonderful relationships.
At this time of year, we need to move to end these long term feuds. We must once again approach the person who has offended us and seek a reconciliation. We may not be able to find agreement, but at least we can move to set aside the differences so that a personal relationship can go on. When families reconcile after a long feud, there is always such regret that they did not reconcile sooner, that so much time has been wasted. Don’t let fights go on indefinitely. This is our opportunity to put the anger to rest and find forgiveness. We must not let our lives be filled with a bitterness that will sour our soul. Find all those with whom you are feuding and seek their forgiveness.
This also applies to those whom we have wronged outright. Those whom we can not face again because of what we have done. Here too it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. To admit the error and to see to rectify the damage we have done. After all, how can we ask G-d to forgive our sins if we are not prepared to ask those we have wronged to forgive us as well?
On the other hand, we must also be forgiving. There is not point in making someone else squirm when they are in need of forgiveness. We need to release the past from our minds and let our relationships move on. If we want to be forgiven, we need to be forgiving. Sometimes we can have a profound affect on those we love simply by forgiving them for the minor slights and mistakes that are so much a part of being human. If we let the anger go, it can no longer warp our soul. Once we are free of the hurt and anger of the past, we are ready to enter the new year with hope and faith in the forgiving power of G-d.
Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days III: The Power of Prayer
Monday, September 1, 2003
HMS-20: Preparing for the High Holy Days I: Teshuva
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
September 1, 2003 - Number 20
Preparing for the High Holy Days I: Teshuva
When the Hebrew month of Elul begins, the last month before Rosh Hashana, the Shofar is sounded every morning at the end of the Shacharit service. Moses Maimonides, compares this sounding of the Shofar as an alarm clock, waking us up from our slumber to remind us that time is passing us by and the time we have left in this world is ticking away. Time is the most perishable object in the world. As one year winds to a close and another is about to begin, we need to take a look at our lives. Who are we? Where are we going? Who and what is important to us? How did we get so far off the path we have chosen and how can we return to where we belong? These are the questions that rise to the surface as the Shofar is blown in Elul.
The secular world my celebrate the New Year with noise and celebration, but Jews mark the change of the year with reflection and repentance. This is a multi-part task that will not only occupy our lives for the month of Elul but for most of the next month, Tishrei, as well.
The first thing we need to do is to perform what is known as Heshbone HaNefesh, the accounting of our souls. We need to look back at our lives before we can look ahead. We need to know exactly where we are standing so we can know where we have to go. What good is the map of the mall that tells us where every store can be found if there is no spot on the map that says "You are Here"? Where are we in our lives. When we started out in life we had hopes and dreams of what we wanted to accomplish in life. We had a vision of what a successful life would be like. Now as we end another year, we need to take account of how we are doing. Are we still on track or have we strayed from our course?
Straying is so very easy to do. We are easily distracted by the glitter and glamour that distracts us in life. We have a sense of what G-d has called us to do, but we are distracted from the task by the many false treasures that beckon to us. We decide that we are content with less rather than reach for the full reward. And now, the short term gratification has taken us far from where we ought to be. The month of Elul is the time to swing back on the proper path.
Those who depend on a 12 step program to overcome their addiction easily recognize this accounting of the soul. The first step they must pass is to take a full and fearless accounting of their actions as a prelude to taking responsibility for their situation. This is good advice for all of us. We need to take responsibility for our actions that have brought us to where we are in life. And if thing need to be changed, than we will be the ones who will have to make the changes. This week let us all take a full and fearless assessment of our lives, a true Heshbone Hanefesh, with the plan to fix whatever went wrong and to make the decisions that will put our lives back on track.
Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days II: Forgive and Forget
Discussion:
B. Horowiz asks:
My stepfather's brother passed away this week. The two rabbis who were conducting the memorial services told my stepfather that he only needs to say kaddish for 30 days, since the deceased was his sibling. The deceased's wife received similar instructions; however, the children of the deceased were told that they should say kaddish for 11 months.
Rabbi replies:
Jewish Law reflects a difference between the love of a child for a parent and the love that we have for others in our lives. Basically we choose those who will receive our love except in the case of parents. We don’t get to pick our parents, we love them because they gave us life and nurtured us with unconditional love. The rules of mourners are extended for parents and not for others. It is the sign of the difference between our relationship with our parents and our other relationships. Please remember, however, that while Judaism does not recommend excessive mourning, one is still able to mourn longer in cases where the love and commitment are deeper. Just because we are not required to mourn the year, does not mean that we are forbidden to do so if we choose.
September 1, 2003 - Number 20
Preparing for the High Holy Days I: Teshuva
When the Hebrew month of Elul begins, the last month before Rosh Hashana, the Shofar is sounded every morning at the end of the Shacharit service. Moses Maimonides, compares this sounding of the Shofar as an alarm clock, waking us up from our slumber to remind us that time is passing us by and the time we have left in this world is ticking away. Time is the most perishable object in the world. As one year winds to a close and another is about to begin, we need to take a look at our lives. Who are we? Where are we going? Who and what is important to us? How did we get so far off the path we have chosen and how can we return to where we belong? These are the questions that rise to the surface as the Shofar is blown in Elul.
The secular world my celebrate the New Year with noise and celebration, but Jews mark the change of the year with reflection and repentance. This is a multi-part task that will not only occupy our lives for the month of Elul but for most of the next month, Tishrei, as well.
The first thing we need to do is to perform what is known as Heshbone HaNefesh, the accounting of our souls. We need to look back at our lives before we can look ahead. We need to know exactly where we are standing so we can know where we have to go. What good is the map of the mall that tells us where every store can be found if there is no spot on the map that says "You are Here"? Where are we in our lives. When we started out in life we had hopes and dreams of what we wanted to accomplish in life. We had a vision of what a successful life would be like. Now as we end another year, we need to take account of how we are doing. Are we still on track or have we strayed from our course?
Straying is so very easy to do. We are easily distracted by the glitter and glamour that distracts us in life. We have a sense of what G-d has called us to do, but we are distracted from the task by the many false treasures that beckon to us. We decide that we are content with less rather than reach for the full reward. And now, the short term gratification has taken us far from where we ought to be. The month of Elul is the time to swing back on the proper path.
Those who depend on a 12 step program to overcome their addiction easily recognize this accounting of the soul. The first step they must pass is to take a full and fearless accounting of their actions as a prelude to taking responsibility for their situation. This is good advice for all of us. We need to take responsibility for our actions that have brought us to where we are in life. And if thing need to be changed, than we will be the ones who will have to make the changes. This week let us all take a full and fearless assessment of our lives, a true Heshbone Hanefesh, with the plan to fix whatever went wrong and to make the decisions that will put our lives back on track.
Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days II: Forgive and Forget
Discussion:
B. Horowiz asks:
My stepfather's brother passed away this week. The two rabbis who were conducting the memorial services told my stepfather that he only needs to say kaddish for 30 days, since the deceased was his sibling. The deceased's wife received similar instructions; however, the children of the deceased were told that they should say kaddish for 11 months.
Rabbi replies:
Jewish Law reflects a difference between the love of a child for a parent and the love that we have for others in our lives. Basically we choose those who will receive our love except in the case of parents. We don’t get to pick our parents, we love them because they gave us life and nurtured us with unconditional love. The rules of mourners are extended for parents and not for others. It is the sign of the difference between our relationship with our parents and our other relationships. Please remember, however, that while Judaism does not recommend excessive mourning, one is still able to mourn longer in cases where the love and commitment are deeper. Just because we are not required to mourn the year, does not mean that we are forbidden to do so if we choose.
Monday, August 25, 2003
HMS-19: Laws Relating to Death III - Shiva
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 25, 2003 - Number 19
Laws Relating to Death III - Shiva
Once the Funeral is finished and the grave filled, attention then turns to the mourners. We begin the process of consolation right at the funeral, having the family pass through two lines of friends who offer the traditional words of consolation "May G-d comfort you as G-d comforts all those who mourn Zion and Jerusalem. Some people no longer say the last part of the statement in deference to the modern state of Israel.
The mourners then go directly to the place they will be observing Shiva. If they will travel out of town to return to their home, they go directly to the airport. Upon arriving home, one washes their hands outside the door, to leave the last of the cemetery outside the house. They enter the house, light the Shiva candle that will burn for the seven days of Shiva, remove any leather shoes they may be wearing. They should sit on low hard chairs, symbolic of the discomfort that they feel for their loss. There is an old superstition that has one cover mirrors in a Shiva house. This is NOT required. The many reasons given are merely justifications for an old European superstition. One does not shave or wear makeup during the time they are sitting Shiva.
The first thing a mourner must do is have something to eat. This meal is called the "Meal of Consolation" and begins with food that is round, symbolic of the cycle of life. Bagels and Lentils are customary, a hard boiled egg is also used and has further symbolism of being the beginning of life. Even in the mourners claim they are not hungry, they should have a small bite to eat upon returning home.
While sitting Shiva, the mourner must not do anything except sit and talk about the deceased. It is the responsibility of the friends and community to see to it that there is food for the mourners and to tend to their needs. Shiva is NOT a party and mourners should not have to welcome guests at the door or see to their needs. The food at the house is for the mourners who may share it with guests if they choose. Food should not be removed from a Shiva house until Shiva is finished. Guests who arrive at the house should use the time to talk to the mourners and share stories about the deceased and make sure the needs of the mourners are tended to. This may cause some tears from the mourners but crying is what Shiva is about and no one should be embarrassed to cry, or to be in the presence of one who is that sad. One should not try and stop the tears, rather we see them as a sign that healing is taking place. Do not ignore the "elephant" in the room and distract the mourner by making small talk. Let them show picture of the deceased and let the mourner control the conversation. The best guest at a Shiva house is the one who sits near the mourners and listens.
The torn garment is worn the entire time one sits Shiva, excluding Shabbat. The only time a mourner leaves a Shiva home is to attend synagogue on Shabbat. Public displays of mourning are not allowed on Shabbat. Shiva will end if a major holiday interrupts the week. Daily services will take place in the Shiva home to allow them to say Kaddish for the deceased. Shiva begins the day of the funeral (Which is always counted as the first day) and ends after the first hour of the seventh day. Following Shiva, the next three weeks complete Sheloshim, the first month (30 days) after the funeral. During this period mourners can leave the house and return to work but parties and events that include music are to be avoided. When a parent dies some do not attend events with music for the entire year. Mourners may not be called to the Torah for an Aliyah until Sheloshim is over. For eleven months after the burial, one recites Kaddish daily. The monument can be erected anytime after Sheloshim but the custom in America is to raise it on or around the first anniversary of the death (not the funeral). On each of the four days when Yizkor is recited and on the Yahrtzeit (The anniversary of the death) a candle is lit that will burn for 24 hours and Kaddish is recited at all services that day.
Next week: Teshuva: Preparing for the High Holy Days
August 25, 2003 - Number 19
Laws Relating to Death III - Shiva
Once the Funeral is finished and the grave filled, attention then turns to the mourners. We begin the process of consolation right at the funeral, having the family pass through two lines of friends who offer the traditional words of consolation "May G-d comfort you as G-d comforts all those who mourn Zion and Jerusalem. Some people no longer say the last part of the statement in deference to the modern state of Israel.
The mourners then go directly to the place they will be observing Shiva. If they will travel out of town to return to their home, they go directly to the airport. Upon arriving home, one washes their hands outside the door, to leave the last of the cemetery outside the house. They enter the house, light the Shiva candle that will burn for the seven days of Shiva, remove any leather shoes they may be wearing. They should sit on low hard chairs, symbolic of the discomfort that they feel for their loss. There is an old superstition that has one cover mirrors in a Shiva house. This is NOT required. The many reasons given are merely justifications for an old European superstition. One does not shave or wear makeup during the time they are sitting Shiva.
The first thing a mourner must do is have something to eat. This meal is called the "Meal of Consolation" and begins with food that is round, symbolic of the cycle of life. Bagels and Lentils are customary, a hard boiled egg is also used and has further symbolism of being the beginning of life. Even in the mourners claim they are not hungry, they should have a small bite to eat upon returning home.
While sitting Shiva, the mourner must not do anything except sit and talk about the deceased. It is the responsibility of the friends and community to see to it that there is food for the mourners and to tend to their needs. Shiva is NOT a party and mourners should not have to welcome guests at the door or see to their needs. The food at the house is for the mourners who may share it with guests if they choose. Food should not be removed from a Shiva house until Shiva is finished. Guests who arrive at the house should use the time to talk to the mourners and share stories about the deceased and make sure the needs of the mourners are tended to. This may cause some tears from the mourners but crying is what Shiva is about and no one should be embarrassed to cry, or to be in the presence of one who is that sad. One should not try and stop the tears, rather we see them as a sign that healing is taking place. Do not ignore the "elephant" in the room and distract the mourner by making small talk. Let them show picture of the deceased and let the mourner control the conversation. The best guest at a Shiva house is the one who sits near the mourners and listens.
The torn garment is worn the entire time one sits Shiva, excluding Shabbat. The only time a mourner leaves a Shiva home is to attend synagogue on Shabbat. Public displays of mourning are not allowed on Shabbat. Shiva will end if a major holiday interrupts the week. Daily services will take place in the Shiva home to allow them to say Kaddish for the deceased. Shiva begins the day of the funeral (Which is always counted as the first day) and ends after the first hour of the seventh day. Following Shiva, the next three weeks complete Sheloshim, the first month (30 days) after the funeral. During this period mourners can leave the house and return to work but parties and events that include music are to be avoided. When a parent dies some do not attend events with music for the entire year. Mourners may not be called to the Torah for an Aliyah until Sheloshim is over. For eleven months after the burial, one recites Kaddish daily. The monument can be erected anytime after Sheloshim but the custom in America is to raise it on or around the first anniversary of the death (not the funeral). On each of the four days when Yizkor is recited and on the Yahrtzeit (The anniversary of the death) a candle is lit that will burn for 24 hours and Kaddish is recited at all services that day.
Next week: Teshuva: Preparing for the High Holy Days
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
HMS-18: Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 20, 2003 - Number 18
Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
A funeral in Judaism should be done as quickly as possible after a death. Usually there is a limit of three days unless more people can fly in or the burial will take place in Israel. In Judaism, burial is always in the ground, not in a mausoleum, and we do not permit cremation. In Israel the dead are buried only in a shroud, but here we use a casket made of wood (not metal). All Jewish funerals are closed casket. We do not display the dead for others to see. Needless to say we do not embalm the dead nor apply cosmetics since these are to make the dead ready to be viewed. These rules may have their source in very ancient Jewish practice, as a polemic against the elaborate Egyptian customs relating to the mummification and entombment of their dead.
There are seven relatives who are required to mourn. Father, Mother, Brother, Sister, Daughter, Son and Spouse. Other are permitted to mourn but are not required. We do not offer words of comfort to the mourners until the burial is finished. As long as the dead lie before them, there can be no meaningful comfort to the bereaved. All we can say to someone who is preparing a funeral for a loved one is "Baruch Dyan Emet" meaning G-d is a righteous Judge and implying that while we do not understand G-d’s decisions, we have faith that G-d’s actions are true and righteous.
A Jewish funeral has two parts. The Eulogy (Hesped) and the interment. Both can be done grave side but a chapel service is permitted. The eulogy is introduced by the reading of Psalms and other appropriate passages. It should recall the life of the one who has died and we should recall only the good that they did in life. The Eulogy can be done by the Rabbi, friends or even the mourners if they are up to the task. One can also write the eulogy for someone else to read. It is not a time, however, to settle scores nor embarrass the dead or their family. We must remember that some things are always better left unsaid if they embarrass, or are hurtful to the dead or to the family.
The Interment involved lowering the body into the ground, filling in the grave( or at least symbolically placing earth on the grave, a memorial prayer for the dead, and reciting Kaddish. It is a very great Mitzvah to attend a funeral, since it is done with pure motivation of love for the deceased. The deceased can not, after all, thank you for the honor you are showing by attending the burial. The casket is lowered since we are there for the interment and until the body is lowered, that has not been accomplished. We put earth on the grave as a sign of love and respect. After all, it is the only thing we can never do for ourselves. We rely on others to fill in our grave. The first shovel of earth is done with the shovel reversed, on the back of the shovel. This indicates that we are not in a hurry to do this work and it is an act of love and reverence, not just another day in the garden.
After the interment is finished, and we have shown all the honor we can for the deceased, we turn our attention to the family and the mourners. The friends form two lines, facing each other, forming a path from the grave to the street. The family leaves the grave side by walking the path between the two lines, so that from the moment the burial is over, they are surrounded by friends offering words of comfort. Tradition tells us that we console them with the words "May G-d comfort you as G-d comforts all the mourners for Zion and Jerusalem. This means that we are all mourners, if not for our own dead, than we mourn for the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. There are some who feel that since the rebirth of the Jewish State in Israel, we are no longer mourners for "Zion and Jerusalem". They only say, "May G-d give you comfort."
A gravestone is not placed until at least 30 days from the date of the funeral. The American custom is to erect the monument around the time of the first anniversary of the date of death (The Yahrtzeit.) It should be done at a time when the family can get together again to mark the occasion.
Next week: Laws Relating to Death III - Shiva
August 20, 2003 - Number 18
Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
A funeral in Judaism should be done as quickly as possible after a death. Usually there is a limit of three days unless more people can fly in or the burial will take place in Israel. In Judaism, burial is always in the ground, not in a mausoleum, and we do not permit cremation. In Israel the dead are buried only in a shroud, but here we use a casket made of wood (not metal). All Jewish funerals are closed casket. We do not display the dead for others to see. Needless to say we do not embalm the dead nor apply cosmetics since these are to make the dead ready to be viewed. These rules may have their source in very ancient Jewish practice, as a polemic against the elaborate Egyptian customs relating to the mummification and entombment of their dead.
There are seven relatives who are required to mourn. Father, Mother, Brother, Sister, Daughter, Son and Spouse. Other are permitted to mourn but are not required. We do not offer words of comfort to the mourners until the burial is finished. As long as the dead lie before them, there can be no meaningful comfort to the bereaved. All we can say to someone who is preparing a funeral for a loved one is "Baruch Dyan Emet" meaning G-d is a righteous Judge and implying that while we do not understand G-d’s decisions, we have faith that G-d’s actions are true and righteous.
A Jewish funeral has two parts. The Eulogy (Hesped) and the interment. Both can be done grave side but a chapel service is permitted. The eulogy is introduced by the reading of Psalms and other appropriate passages. It should recall the life of the one who has died and we should recall only the good that they did in life. The Eulogy can be done by the Rabbi, friends or even the mourners if they are up to the task. One can also write the eulogy for someone else to read. It is not a time, however, to settle scores nor embarrass the dead or their family. We must remember that some things are always better left unsaid if they embarrass, or are hurtful to the dead or to the family.
The Interment involved lowering the body into the ground, filling in the grave( or at least symbolically placing earth on the grave, a memorial prayer for the dead, and reciting Kaddish. It is a very great Mitzvah to attend a funeral, since it is done with pure motivation of love for the deceased. The deceased can not, after all, thank you for the honor you are showing by attending the burial. The casket is lowered since we are there for the interment and until the body is lowered, that has not been accomplished. We put earth on the grave as a sign of love and respect. After all, it is the only thing we can never do for ourselves. We rely on others to fill in our grave. The first shovel of earth is done with the shovel reversed, on the back of the shovel. This indicates that we are not in a hurry to do this work and it is an act of love and reverence, not just another day in the garden.
After the interment is finished, and we have shown all the honor we can for the deceased, we turn our attention to the family and the mourners. The friends form two lines, facing each other, forming a path from the grave to the street. The family leaves the grave side by walking the path between the two lines, so that from the moment the burial is over, they are surrounded by friends offering words of comfort. Tradition tells us that we console them with the words "May G-d comfort you as G-d comforts all the mourners for Zion and Jerusalem. This means that we are all mourners, if not for our own dead, than we mourn for the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. There are some who feel that since the rebirth of the Jewish State in Israel, we are no longer mourners for "Zion and Jerusalem". They only say, "May G-d give you comfort."
A gravestone is not placed until at least 30 days from the date of the funeral. The American custom is to erect the monument around the time of the first anniversary of the date of death (The Yahrtzeit.) It should be done at a time when the family can get together again to mark the occasion.
Next week: Laws Relating to Death III - Shiva
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
HMS-17: Laws Relating to Death I
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 13, 2003 - Number 17
Laws Relating to Death I
First of all, Judaism is a pro-life religion. When a person gets ill, the first responsibility is to get well. That is best done by consulting a properly trained physician and following the prescribed medical advice. When a person is sick, it is the responsibility of the friends and family to visit and help him or her feel better. The Mitzvah of "Bikur Holim" is to visit the sick and assist in their return to health. To this end there is a Mi Shebayrach prayer recited at the Torah for a Refuah Shelayma - a complete healing. If possible one should have the Hebrew name of the sick person and the sick person’s mother’s Hebrew name. When a person is in the hospital, it is appropriate to call the Rabbi to let the community know that this person is in need of Bikor Holim.
When there is not longer a hope for a cure for the ill, Judaism still insists that life is sacred and nothing can be done to hasten death. Assisted suicide and active euthanasia are not permitted by Judaism. G-d did not ask us when we should be born and we should not tell G-d when we should die. We can, however, remove that which may be preventing death from occurring. We can remove some life support equipment, stop medications and make the person comfortable while waiting for death. Hospice is an option for Jewish patients. It is also common to ask for a "Do Not Resusitate"(DNR) order for those seriously ill to prevent emergency life support in cases where there is very little life to support. There are mixed opinions about whether one can withhold food and water if the person can no longer eat by themselves. A Rabbi should be consulted if any questions arise in this area.
The moment a person dies, the entire focus of the family becomes the duty to honor the dead. Everything that will be done is to enhance the honor of the deceased. The first responsibility is to wash the body. This is done by a special committee in the community, the Hevra Kadisha (The Holy Committee) which has two teams, one team of men to prepare a male body, and a women’s team to prepare a female body. They wash the body, place it in a shroud (not a suit or dress - a shroud does not have pockets, a reminder that "you can’t take anything with you") and place the body in a wooden casket. (In Israel, they do not use caskets and the body is buried in the shroud alone). The casket is closed and will not be reopened. The children of the deceased are permitted to help the Hevra Kadisha. A Jewish body is not embalmed.
The body of the deceased may not be mishandled in any way. Autopsies are not permitted in Judaism unless required by civil law. Most state Medical Examiners know how Judaism feels about this and will work with a rabbi to fulfill the requirements of the state and Judaism. Jewish bodies are not given over to medical science for research. Transplants, however ARE PERMITTED by all authorities. Since saving a live is Judaism’s "Prime Directive" it is permitted to allow all organs, including skin and eyes, to be transplanted to help another person. Organs, however, can not be banked, so the need has to be immediate.
A Jewish body is never left alone. Family members or the Hevra Kadisha sit with the body until it is buried. Burial is usually done withing three days of death. Unless a delay will mean that someone from the family will be able to be at the funeral (to honor the dead) or in cases where the body will be shipped to Israel for burial, it can be slightly extended. Consult a Rabbi for details.
Next week: Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
August 13, 2003 - Number 17
Laws Relating to Death I
First of all, Judaism is a pro-life religion. When a person gets ill, the first responsibility is to get well. That is best done by consulting a properly trained physician and following the prescribed medical advice. When a person is sick, it is the responsibility of the friends and family to visit and help him or her feel better. The Mitzvah of "Bikur Holim" is to visit the sick and assist in their return to health. To this end there is a Mi Shebayrach prayer recited at the Torah for a Refuah Shelayma - a complete healing. If possible one should have the Hebrew name of the sick person and the sick person’s mother’s Hebrew name. When a person is in the hospital, it is appropriate to call the Rabbi to let the community know that this person is in need of Bikor Holim.
When there is not longer a hope for a cure for the ill, Judaism still insists that life is sacred and nothing can be done to hasten death. Assisted suicide and active euthanasia are not permitted by Judaism. G-d did not ask us when we should be born and we should not tell G-d when we should die. We can, however, remove that which may be preventing death from occurring. We can remove some life support equipment, stop medications and make the person comfortable while waiting for death. Hospice is an option for Jewish patients. It is also common to ask for a "Do Not Resusitate"(DNR) order for those seriously ill to prevent emergency life support in cases where there is very little life to support. There are mixed opinions about whether one can withhold food and water if the person can no longer eat by themselves. A Rabbi should be consulted if any questions arise in this area.
The moment a person dies, the entire focus of the family becomes the duty to honor the dead. Everything that will be done is to enhance the honor of the deceased. The first responsibility is to wash the body. This is done by a special committee in the community, the Hevra Kadisha (The Holy Committee) which has two teams, one team of men to prepare a male body, and a women’s team to prepare a female body. They wash the body, place it in a shroud (not a suit or dress - a shroud does not have pockets, a reminder that "you can’t take anything with you") and place the body in a wooden casket. (In Israel, they do not use caskets and the body is buried in the shroud alone). The casket is closed and will not be reopened. The children of the deceased are permitted to help the Hevra Kadisha. A Jewish body is not embalmed.
The body of the deceased may not be mishandled in any way. Autopsies are not permitted in Judaism unless required by civil law. Most state Medical Examiners know how Judaism feels about this and will work with a rabbi to fulfill the requirements of the state and Judaism. Jewish bodies are not given over to medical science for research. Transplants, however ARE PERMITTED by all authorities. Since saving a live is Judaism’s "Prime Directive" it is permitted to allow all organs, including skin and eyes, to be transplanted to help another person. Organs, however, can not be banked, so the need has to be immediate.
A Jewish body is never left alone. Family members or the Hevra Kadisha sit with the body until it is buried. Burial is usually done withing three days of death. Unless a delay will mean that someone from the family will be able to be at the funeral (to honor the dead) or in cases where the body will be shipped to Israel for burial, it can be slightly extended. Consult a Rabbi for details.
Next week: Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
HMS-16: Laws Relating to Torah II
May 26, 2003 - Number 16
Laws Relating to the Torah II
There are many superstitions about how one is supposed to care for and handle a Torah. I hope to dispel some of these myths.
First of all, there are many people still today who feel that one must be very careful in handling a Torah Scroll. That if a scroll should drop on the floor than you have to fast for a month (!) A very intense diet to be sure. Actually there is no such thing as a month long fast in Judaism. Even if you allow that the fast would be only by day (and you could eat at night) it still would not make any sense. The actual rule is that when a Torah scroll is accidently dropped or falls onto the floor, it is the obligation of everyone who is present in the room at that time to make a contribution to Tzedaka. Thus whatever "evil decree" caused the Torah to fall can be corrected by Tzedaka and acts of kindness.
For many years there were people who claimed that a woman could not have an aliyah nor touch a Torah for fear that they might be menstruating and the impurity that is attached to this condition would transfer to the Torah. Since it is not proper to ask a woman about this condition, than all women are forbidden to touch a Torah. This is also a myth. The truth is that a Torah scroll is by definition impure (Tamei) as are all "holy" books. According to the Sages, this was to prevent one from making the leap from studying a sacred text to making the scroll the object of worship. Note that when we take the Torah from the ark, we turn and bow to the now empty ark. A reminder that it is the holy presence of G-d that we praise, not the actual scrolls of Torah. The Torah has the capacity to transfer its impurity to human beings. This is why many people do not touch a Torah scroll directly, but use a Tallit or Siddur to touch the Torah. Some say this is unnecessary since the Torah Mantle provides enough of a barrier to prevent us from touching the scroll. This is also one of the reasons that we use a "yad" to point in the text. (The other reason is to prevent the oils in our hands from ruining the letters on the parchment.)
The Sages of the Talmud agreed that there is actually no reason at all why women should not be called to the Torah for an Aliyah but the custom was not to call them lest they embarrass a man who did not know the blessings (illiteracy was a big problem in ancient days). Conservative Jews no longer hold by this stringency and we do call women to the Torah for an Aliyah.
Many people believe that if a Torah has one letter missing or wrong, than the whole Torah is "pasul" or not useable. This is somewhat true. The Rabbis teach that there are 600,000 letters in the Torah to correspond to the 600,000 people who made up the Jewish people when they left Egypt. Since no Jew was left behind, we can not use a Torah that is missing a letter. We can carry the example even further, The script used in a Torah has little decorative "crowns" on some of the letters. Even if a "crown" is missing the Torah can not be used. (Rabbi Akiva was said to have learned "heaps and heaps" of laws from these crowns but if he did they are not recorded anywhere.) A Torah with this kind of a defect can not be used at a service. The universal indicator of a "pasul" Torah is where the tie that holds the scroll together is not under the mantle but outside the mantle.
But a Torah scroll can be fixed. If there is a hole in the parchment, a letter has rubbed off, or been smeared, or is no longer readable, these are all repairable. A Sofer (Scribe) can scratch off a letter and rewrite it to fix the Torah. Holes can be patched. A ripped parchment can be removed and only that "page" replaced. Similarly a scroll from a mezuzah or from Tephillin, can also be repaired. It is important to have a Torah repaired as soon as possible. It is not proper to have a "pasul" Torah in a place where it may be used. This led to an issue with the Holocaust Torah Scrolls that came into congregations through the offices of the Westminster Synagogue in England. These scrolls come from the synagogues destroyed by Nazi Germany. The Nazis wanted the scrolls for a museum about the "vanished race" of Jews. When they came to our community, there was a discussion if a synagogue could harbor permanently a "pasul" Torah. However, we could not fix the scroll since the ownership of all the scrolls remains with the Westminster synagogue. We only have the scroll on permanent loan from England.
Finally, a Torah scroll is always treated with respect. It is the source of all Jewish Law. We therefore stand when we see the Torah, and kiss it reverentially when it passes by. We are commanded to bring honor to the Torah and it is a big mitzvah to study its words, and not just to read them.
Next Week : Jewish Attitudes Toward Death.
Laws Relating to the Torah II
There are many superstitions about how one is supposed to care for and handle a Torah. I hope to dispel some of these myths.
First of all, there are many people still today who feel that one must be very careful in handling a Torah Scroll. That if a scroll should drop on the floor than you have to fast for a month (!) A very intense diet to be sure. Actually there is no such thing as a month long fast in Judaism. Even if you allow that the fast would be only by day (and you could eat at night) it still would not make any sense. The actual rule is that when a Torah scroll is accidently dropped or falls onto the floor, it is the obligation of everyone who is present in the room at that time to make a contribution to Tzedaka. Thus whatever "evil decree" caused the Torah to fall can be corrected by Tzedaka and acts of kindness.
For many years there were people who claimed that a woman could not have an aliyah nor touch a Torah for fear that they might be menstruating and the impurity that is attached to this condition would transfer to the Torah. Since it is not proper to ask a woman about this condition, than all women are forbidden to touch a Torah. This is also a myth. The truth is that a Torah scroll is by definition impure (Tamei) as are all "holy" books. According to the Sages, this was to prevent one from making the leap from studying a sacred text to making the scroll the object of worship. Note that when we take the Torah from the ark, we turn and bow to the now empty ark. A reminder that it is the holy presence of G-d that we praise, not the actual scrolls of Torah. The Torah has the capacity to transfer its impurity to human beings. This is why many people do not touch a Torah scroll directly, but use a Tallit or Siddur to touch the Torah. Some say this is unnecessary since the Torah Mantle provides enough of a barrier to prevent us from touching the scroll. This is also one of the reasons that we use a "yad" to point in the text. (The other reason is to prevent the oils in our hands from ruining the letters on the parchment.)
The Sages of the Talmud agreed that there is actually no reason at all why women should not be called to the Torah for an Aliyah but the custom was not to call them lest they embarrass a man who did not know the blessings (illiteracy was a big problem in ancient days). Conservative Jews no longer hold by this stringency and we do call women to the Torah for an Aliyah.
Many people believe that if a Torah has one letter missing or wrong, than the whole Torah is "pasul" or not useable. This is somewhat true. The Rabbis teach that there are 600,000 letters in the Torah to correspond to the 600,000 people who made up the Jewish people when they left Egypt. Since no Jew was left behind, we can not use a Torah that is missing a letter. We can carry the example even further, The script used in a Torah has little decorative "crowns" on some of the letters. Even if a "crown" is missing the Torah can not be used. (Rabbi Akiva was said to have learned "heaps and heaps" of laws from these crowns but if he did they are not recorded anywhere.) A Torah with this kind of a defect can not be used at a service. The universal indicator of a "pasul" Torah is where the tie that holds the scroll together is not under the mantle but outside the mantle.
But a Torah scroll can be fixed. If there is a hole in the parchment, a letter has rubbed off, or been smeared, or is no longer readable, these are all repairable. A Sofer (Scribe) can scratch off a letter and rewrite it to fix the Torah. Holes can be patched. A ripped parchment can be removed and only that "page" replaced. Similarly a scroll from a mezuzah or from Tephillin, can also be repaired. It is important to have a Torah repaired as soon as possible. It is not proper to have a "pasul" Torah in a place where it may be used. This led to an issue with the Holocaust Torah Scrolls that came into congregations through the offices of the Westminster Synagogue in England. These scrolls come from the synagogues destroyed by Nazi Germany. The Nazis wanted the scrolls for a museum about the "vanished race" of Jews. When they came to our community, there was a discussion if a synagogue could harbor permanently a "pasul" Torah. However, we could not fix the scroll since the ownership of all the scrolls remains with the Westminster synagogue. We only have the scroll on permanent loan from England.
Finally, a Torah scroll is always treated with respect. It is the source of all Jewish Law. We therefore stand when we see the Torah, and kiss it reverentially when it passes by. We are commanded to bring honor to the Torah and it is a big mitzvah to study its words, and not just to read them.
Next Week : Jewish Attitudes Toward Death.
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