Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 25, 2003 - Number 19
Laws Relating to Death III - Shiva
Once the Funeral is finished and the grave filled, attention then turns to the mourners. We begin the process of consolation right at the funeral, having the family pass through two lines of friends who offer the traditional words of consolation "May G-d comfort you as G-d comforts all those who mourn Zion and Jerusalem. Some people no longer say the last part of the statement in deference to the modern state of Israel.
The mourners then go directly to the place they will be observing Shiva. If they will travel out of town to return to their home, they go directly to the airport. Upon arriving home, one washes their hands outside the door, to leave the last of the cemetery outside the house. They enter the house, light the Shiva candle that will burn for the seven days of Shiva, remove any leather shoes they may be wearing. They should sit on low hard chairs, symbolic of the discomfort that they feel for their loss. There is an old superstition that has one cover mirrors in a Shiva house. This is NOT required. The many reasons given are merely justifications for an old European superstition. One does not shave or wear makeup during the time they are sitting Shiva.
The first thing a mourner must do is have something to eat. This meal is called the "Meal of Consolation" and begins with food that is round, symbolic of the cycle of life. Bagels and Lentils are customary, a hard boiled egg is also used and has further symbolism of being the beginning of life. Even in the mourners claim they are not hungry, they should have a small bite to eat upon returning home.
While sitting Shiva, the mourner must not do anything except sit and talk about the deceased. It is the responsibility of the friends and community to see to it that there is food for the mourners and to tend to their needs. Shiva is NOT a party and mourners should not have to welcome guests at the door or see to their needs. The food at the house is for the mourners who may share it with guests if they choose. Food should not be removed from a Shiva house until Shiva is finished. Guests who arrive at the house should use the time to talk to the mourners and share stories about the deceased and make sure the needs of the mourners are tended to. This may cause some tears from the mourners but crying is what Shiva is about and no one should be embarrassed to cry, or to be in the presence of one who is that sad. One should not try and stop the tears, rather we see them as a sign that healing is taking place. Do not ignore the "elephant" in the room and distract the mourner by making small talk. Let them show picture of the deceased and let the mourner control the conversation. The best guest at a Shiva house is the one who sits near the mourners and listens.
The torn garment is worn the entire time one sits Shiva, excluding Shabbat. The only time a mourner leaves a Shiva home is to attend synagogue on Shabbat. Public displays of mourning are not allowed on Shabbat. Shiva will end if a major holiday interrupts the week. Daily services will take place in the Shiva home to allow them to say Kaddish for the deceased. Shiva begins the day of the funeral (Which is always counted as the first day) and ends after the first hour of the seventh day. Following Shiva, the next three weeks complete Sheloshim, the first month (30 days) after the funeral. During this period mourners can leave the house and return to work but parties and events that include music are to be avoided. When a parent dies some do not attend events with music for the entire year. Mourners may not be called to the Torah for an Aliyah until Sheloshim is over. For eleven months after the burial, one recites Kaddish daily. The monument can be erected anytime after Sheloshim but the custom in America is to raise it on or around the first anniversary of the death (not the funeral). On each of the four days when Yizkor is recited and on the Yahrtzeit (The anniversary of the death) a candle is lit that will burn for 24 hours and Kaddish is recited at all services that day.
Next week: Teshuva: Preparing for the High Holy Days
Monday, August 25, 2003
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
HMS-18: Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 20, 2003 - Number 18
Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
A funeral in Judaism should be done as quickly as possible after a death. Usually there is a limit of three days unless more people can fly in or the burial will take place in Israel. In Judaism, burial is always in the ground, not in a mausoleum, and we do not permit cremation. In Israel the dead are buried only in a shroud, but here we use a casket made of wood (not metal). All Jewish funerals are closed casket. We do not display the dead for others to see. Needless to say we do not embalm the dead nor apply cosmetics since these are to make the dead ready to be viewed. These rules may have their source in very ancient Jewish practice, as a polemic against the elaborate Egyptian customs relating to the mummification and entombment of their dead.
There are seven relatives who are required to mourn. Father, Mother, Brother, Sister, Daughter, Son and Spouse. Other are permitted to mourn but are not required. We do not offer words of comfort to the mourners until the burial is finished. As long as the dead lie before them, there can be no meaningful comfort to the bereaved. All we can say to someone who is preparing a funeral for a loved one is "Baruch Dyan Emet" meaning G-d is a righteous Judge and implying that while we do not understand G-d’s decisions, we have faith that G-d’s actions are true and righteous.
A Jewish funeral has two parts. The Eulogy (Hesped) and the interment. Both can be done grave side but a chapel service is permitted. The eulogy is introduced by the reading of Psalms and other appropriate passages. It should recall the life of the one who has died and we should recall only the good that they did in life. The Eulogy can be done by the Rabbi, friends or even the mourners if they are up to the task. One can also write the eulogy for someone else to read. It is not a time, however, to settle scores nor embarrass the dead or their family. We must remember that some things are always better left unsaid if they embarrass, or are hurtful to the dead or to the family.
The Interment involved lowering the body into the ground, filling in the grave( or at least symbolically placing earth on the grave, a memorial prayer for the dead, and reciting Kaddish. It is a very great Mitzvah to attend a funeral, since it is done with pure motivation of love for the deceased. The deceased can not, after all, thank you for the honor you are showing by attending the burial. The casket is lowered since we are there for the interment and until the body is lowered, that has not been accomplished. We put earth on the grave as a sign of love and respect. After all, it is the only thing we can never do for ourselves. We rely on others to fill in our grave. The first shovel of earth is done with the shovel reversed, on the back of the shovel. This indicates that we are not in a hurry to do this work and it is an act of love and reverence, not just another day in the garden.
After the interment is finished, and we have shown all the honor we can for the deceased, we turn our attention to the family and the mourners. The friends form two lines, facing each other, forming a path from the grave to the street. The family leaves the grave side by walking the path between the two lines, so that from the moment the burial is over, they are surrounded by friends offering words of comfort. Tradition tells us that we console them with the words "May G-d comfort you as G-d comforts all the mourners for Zion and Jerusalem. This means that we are all mourners, if not for our own dead, than we mourn for the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. There are some who feel that since the rebirth of the Jewish State in Israel, we are no longer mourners for "Zion and Jerusalem". They only say, "May G-d give you comfort."
A gravestone is not placed until at least 30 days from the date of the funeral. The American custom is to erect the monument around the time of the first anniversary of the date of death (The Yahrtzeit.) It should be done at a time when the family can get together again to mark the occasion.
Next week: Laws Relating to Death III - Shiva
August 20, 2003 - Number 18
Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
A funeral in Judaism should be done as quickly as possible after a death. Usually there is a limit of three days unless more people can fly in or the burial will take place in Israel. In Judaism, burial is always in the ground, not in a mausoleum, and we do not permit cremation. In Israel the dead are buried only in a shroud, but here we use a casket made of wood (not metal). All Jewish funerals are closed casket. We do not display the dead for others to see. Needless to say we do not embalm the dead nor apply cosmetics since these are to make the dead ready to be viewed. These rules may have their source in very ancient Jewish practice, as a polemic against the elaborate Egyptian customs relating to the mummification and entombment of their dead.
There are seven relatives who are required to mourn. Father, Mother, Brother, Sister, Daughter, Son and Spouse. Other are permitted to mourn but are not required. We do not offer words of comfort to the mourners until the burial is finished. As long as the dead lie before them, there can be no meaningful comfort to the bereaved. All we can say to someone who is preparing a funeral for a loved one is "Baruch Dyan Emet" meaning G-d is a righteous Judge and implying that while we do not understand G-d’s decisions, we have faith that G-d’s actions are true and righteous.
A Jewish funeral has two parts. The Eulogy (Hesped) and the interment. Both can be done grave side but a chapel service is permitted. The eulogy is introduced by the reading of Psalms and other appropriate passages. It should recall the life of the one who has died and we should recall only the good that they did in life. The Eulogy can be done by the Rabbi, friends or even the mourners if they are up to the task. One can also write the eulogy for someone else to read. It is not a time, however, to settle scores nor embarrass the dead or their family. We must remember that some things are always better left unsaid if they embarrass, or are hurtful to the dead or to the family.
The Interment involved lowering the body into the ground, filling in the grave( or at least symbolically placing earth on the grave, a memorial prayer for the dead, and reciting Kaddish. It is a very great Mitzvah to attend a funeral, since it is done with pure motivation of love for the deceased. The deceased can not, after all, thank you for the honor you are showing by attending the burial. The casket is lowered since we are there for the interment and until the body is lowered, that has not been accomplished. We put earth on the grave as a sign of love and respect. After all, it is the only thing we can never do for ourselves. We rely on others to fill in our grave. The first shovel of earth is done with the shovel reversed, on the back of the shovel. This indicates that we are not in a hurry to do this work and it is an act of love and reverence, not just another day in the garden.
After the interment is finished, and we have shown all the honor we can for the deceased, we turn our attention to the family and the mourners. The friends form two lines, facing each other, forming a path from the grave to the street. The family leaves the grave side by walking the path between the two lines, so that from the moment the burial is over, they are surrounded by friends offering words of comfort. Tradition tells us that we console them with the words "May G-d comfort you as G-d comforts all the mourners for Zion and Jerusalem. This means that we are all mourners, if not for our own dead, than we mourn for the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. There are some who feel that since the rebirth of the Jewish State in Israel, we are no longer mourners for "Zion and Jerusalem". They only say, "May G-d give you comfort."
A gravestone is not placed until at least 30 days from the date of the funeral. The American custom is to erect the monument around the time of the first anniversary of the date of death (The Yahrtzeit.) It should be done at a time when the family can get together again to mark the occasion.
Next week: Laws Relating to Death III - Shiva
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
HMS-17: Laws Relating to Death I
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 13, 2003 - Number 17
Laws Relating to Death I
First of all, Judaism is a pro-life religion. When a person gets ill, the first responsibility is to get well. That is best done by consulting a properly trained physician and following the prescribed medical advice. When a person is sick, it is the responsibility of the friends and family to visit and help him or her feel better. The Mitzvah of "Bikur Holim" is to visit the sick and assist in their return to health. To this end there is a Mi Shebayrach prayer recited at the Torah for a Refuah Shelayma - a complete healing. If possible one should have the Hebrew name of the sick person and the sick person’s mother’s Hebrew name. When a person is in the hospital, it is appropriate to call the Rabbi to let the community know that this person is in need of Bikor Holim.
When there is not longer a hope for a cure for the ill, Judaism still insists that life is sacred and nothing can be done to hasten death. Assisted suicide and active euthanasia are not permitted by Judaism. G-d did not ask us when we should be born and we should not tell G-d when we should die. We can, however, remove that which may be preventing death from occurring. We can remove some life support equipment, stop medications and make the person comfortable while waiting for death. Hospice is an option for Jewish patients. It is also common to ask for a "Do Not Resusitate"(DNR) order for those seriously ill to prevent emergency life support in cases where there is very little life to support. There are mixed opinions about whether one can withhold food and water if the person can no longer eat by themselves. A Rabbi should be consulted if any questions arise in this area.
The moment a person dies, the entire focus of the family becomes the duty to honor the dead. Everything that will be done is to enhance the honor of the deceased. The first responsibility is to wash the body. This is done by a special committee in the community, the Hevra Kadisha (The Holy Committee) which has two teams, one team of men to prepare a male body, and a women’s team to prepare a female body. They wash the body, place it in a shroud (not a suit or dress - a shroud does not have pockets, a reminder that "you can’t take anything with you") and place the body in a wooden casket. (In Israel, they do not use caskets and the body is buried in the shroud alone). The casket is closed and will not be reopened. The children of the deceased are permitted to help the Hevra Kadisha. A Jewish body is not embalmed.
The body of the deceased may not be mishandled in any way. Autopsies are not permitted in Judaism unless required by civil law. Most state Medical Examiners know how Judaism feels about this and will work with a rabbi to fulfill the requirements of the state and Judaism. Jewish bodies are not given over to medical science for research. Transplants, however ARE PERMITTED by all authorities. Since saving a live is Judaism’s "Prime Directive" it is permitted to allow all organs, including skin and eyes, to be transplanted to help another person. Organs, however, can not be banked, so the need has to be immediate.
A Jewish body is never left alone. Family members or the Hevra Kadisha sit with the body until it is buried. Burial is usually done withing three days of death. Unless a delay will mean that someone from the family will be able to be at the funeral (to honor the dead) or in cases where the body will be shipped to Israel for burial, it can be slightly extended. Consult a Rabbi for details.
Next week: Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
August 13, 2003 - Number 17
Laws Relating to Death I
First of all, Judaism is a pro-life religion. When a person gets ill, the first responsibility is to get well. That is best done by consulting a properly trained physician and following the prescribed medical advice. When a person is sick, it is the responsibility of the friends and family to visit and help him or her feel better. The Mitzvah of "Bikur Holim" is to visit the sick and assist in their return to health. To this end there is a Mi Shebayrach prayer recited at the Torah for a Refuah Shelayma - a complete healing. If possible one should have the Hebrew name of the sick person and the sick person’s mother’s Hebrew name. When a person is in the hospital, it is appropriate to call the Rabbi to let the community know that this person is in need of Bikor Holim.
When there is not longer a hope for a cure for the ill, Judaism still insists that life is sacred and nothing can be done to hasten death. Assisted suicide and active euthanasia are not permitted by Judaism. G-d did not ask us when we should be born and we should not tell G-d when we should die. We can, however, remove that which may be preventing death from occurring. We can remove some life support equipment, stop medications and make the person comfortable while waiting for death. Hospice is an option for Jewish patients. It is also common to ask for a "Do Not Resusitate"(DNR) order for those seriously ill to prevent emergency life support in cases where there is very little life to support. There are mixed opinions about whether one can withhold food and water if the person can no longer eat by themselves. A Rabbi should be consulted if any questions arise in this area.
The moment a person dies, the entire focus of the family becomes the duty to honor the dead. Everything that will be done is to enhance the honor of the deceased. The first responsibility is to wash the body. This is done by a special committee in the community, the Hevra Kadisha (The Holy Committee) which has two teams, one team of men to prepare a male body, and a women’s team to prepare a female body. They wash the body, place it in a shroud (not a suit or dress - a shroud does not have pockets, a reminder that "you can’t take anything with you") and place the body in a wooden casket. (In Israel, they do not use caskets and the body is buried in the shroud alone). The casket is closed and will not be reopened. The children of the deceased are permitted to help the Hevra Kadisha. A Jewish body is not embalmed.
The body of the deceased may not be mishandled in any way. Autopsies are not permitted in Judaism unless required by civil law. Most state Medical Examiners know how Judaism feels about this and will work with a rabbi to fulfill the requirements of the state and Judaism. Jewish bodies are not given over to medical science for research. Transplants, however ARE PERMITTED by all authorities. Since saving a live is Judaism’s "Prime Directive" it is permitted to allow all organs, including skin and eyes, to be transplanted to help another person. Organs, however, can not be banked, so the need has to be immediate.
A Jewish body is never left alone. Family members or the Hevra Kadisha sit with the body until it is buried. Burial is usually done withing three days of death. Unless a delay will mean that someone from the family will be able to be at the funeral (to honor the dead) or in cases where the body will be shipped to Israel for burial, it can be slightly extended. Consult a Rabbi for details.
Next week: Laws Relating to Death II - The Funeral
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