Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
November 29, 2004 - Number 5765-10
Jewish Spirituality for Children and Teens
Rabbis have taught for centuries that Jewish mysticism can only be taught when three conditions are met. To study Kabbalah, one has to be at least 40 years old, married and be the parent of at least one girl and one boy; and have a full "belly" of Torah. In other words, only when our other duties in life are fulfilled, we are mature, with a family and well versed in Judaism, can we begin to delve into the mysteries of G-d. Considering what some people will do for religion, it is a very practical way to insure that mysticism remains the study that is practiced by mature and wise people.
But the Sages also understood that everyone needs to contemplate G-d and the meaning of all life. Therefore, Judaism also teaches a concept called "normal mysticism". Normal mysticism is how we can find G-d in all the world that surrounds us and not by studying some ancient tome. Normal mysticism is finding G-d in a beautiful sunset, in a beautiful moment, in the eyes of a child and in acts of kindness. We don’t have to travel distant paths or learn from venerable sages. We need only to lift up our eyes to see the glory of G-d that surrounds us.
To call attention to these spiritual moments, Jews say blessings (berachot). A blessing is a way we acknowledge to G-d that we have understood the moment before us as a gift from G-d and we express our thanks for that moment. Almost anything can be a sacred moment and therefore Judaism has a blessing for everything.
There is an old story of the greatest miracle in history, the crossing of the Red Sea by the Jewish slaves fleeing from Pharaoh and his army. The entire Jewish People understood the meaning of that moment and were in awe of G-d’s power, all except for two men. These two men were upset that the seabed was not perfectly dry as they crossed to freedom. They were getting mud on their shoes just like they used to get mud on their shoes when they made bricks for Egypt. In their eyes, freedom and slavery were the same mud on their shoes. Imagine, they were in the presence of the greatest miracle of all time and all they could see was the mud on their shoes! Often, we are so upset over what is happening in our lives that we don’t see the miracles that surround us everyday.
One Rabbi I know taught preschool age children to understand G-d. He sat them in his lap and had them point out his nose, mouth, ears and eyes. Then he asked them to point to his "love". Just as love is real but can not be seen or touched, so too G-d’s love for us can be felt, even if we can not touch G-d.
Teens often ask why we don’t have miracles today like we did in ancient times. Of course we still have miracles, but the kind of miracles have changed. It is like the story of the man in a flood who turns down rescue by three boats because he insists that "G-d will save me" and so he drowns. And when he arrives before G-d in Heaven disappointed that G-d had failed him, G-d replies, "What do you want from me? ... I sent you three boats!" For the miracle to happen we have to often use our own hands and feet and to make them do G-d’s will.
Rabbi Lawrence Kushner compares life to pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that we try to assemble all of our lives. Only we don’t have all the pieces we need, and we have other pieces that we don’t need but are important to someone else. So we must go through life exchanging our thoughts and ideas, our knowledge and our wisdom so that we can get the pieces we need to complete our puzzle and to help others get the pieces they need to complete their puzzle as well. Rabbi Kushner concludes that each time we give one of out worthless pieces of the puzzle to someone else, we are emissaries of the Most High.
Can we teach our children about G-d? Of course we can. But first we need to make sure we know for ourselves what we believe about G-d. To teach our children, we need to make sure that we are comfortable with G-d as well. Once we can articulate for ourselves what G-d means in our life, only then can we help our children understand as well. Only when we know to whom we address our prayers, can we teach our children how to open their mouths in prayer. There are some great books to help us adults to understand what we mean when we are talking about G-d. Talk to your Rabbi, he can recommend some just for you.
Next week: Jewish Values at Work
Monday, November 29, 2004
Monday, November 22, 2004
HMS 5764-9; Jewish Education after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
November 22, 2004 - Number 5765-9
Jewish Education after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah
There is an old myth that Jewish education can be stopped after the Bar or Bat Mitzvah. I guess it depends on how the parents see the goal of Jewish education. If Judaism is to be anything more than a quaint footnote in the family history, than the family must confront the continuing education of their children.
The most important part of a teenager’s Jewish education is the continuing education of his or her parents. Teens are very aware of cases of "do as I say, not as I do" and lose interest quickly when they do things that seem to play no role at all in the family life. Parents who attend synagogue regularly will find their children will want to attend with them, in the adult service. Parents who study will, with their lessons, inspire their children to study. While working for the Jewish community, on communal committees and organizations as a volunteer is crucial for the Jewish community, if the endless meetings will take a parent away from a student who needs parental imput, than it will work against strong Jewish connections in the children. This applies even to synagogue committees that are not connected to learning. Teens need to know that their life comes first, only later do we volunteer our time.
For teens, there are two kinds of Jewish Education. Formal and Informal. Formal Education refers to Judaica High School, Confirmation and College level Jewish studies classes. Jewish Day Schools, at the High School level often provide a quality secular education, with proper guidance programs for the college bound, with sophisticated Judaic studies in Talmud, Bible, Hebrew and Rabbinic Literature. Confirmation classes often have the additional benefit of studying with the Rabbi of their own congregation. Judaica High School offers a wide selection to "taste" the different aspects of Adult Jewish Studies as well as the possibility of adding education classes to earn a "Sunday School Teaching Certificate", which can be translated into a steady job when the student reaches college.
Informal Jewish Education includes Youth Groups, Summer Camps and Israel Programs. Youth Groups offer a selection of activities and travel opportunities that broaden the teen’s horizons. Summer camp offers a full immersion in Jewish Life for 4-8 weeks. Israel programs offer each teen a connection with the world wide Jewish community and a personal connection to their own faith. Older teens can also benefit from Eastern European tours that visit sites important to Judaism before and during the Holocaust. March of the Living, Ramah and USY all offer Eastern European tours for 11 and 12 graders.
Much of the life of a Teen is social. They are interested in expanding their circle of friends and dating also becomes a concern. In both formal and informal Jewish educational settings, there are many opportunities to enlarge the student’s circle of Jewish friends. It is from these circles that the pattern of later Jewish affiliation will grow. As the students interests in Jewish activities grows, this helps lead to affiliation at college with Jewish groups and later connections as a young adult. Studies have shown that Youth Groups, Israel Tours, Summer camp and Jewish Education all increase the chances that the young adult will stay connected to Judaism, that he or she will marry a Jewish partner and raise Jewish children.
When the time comes to select a college. The rule of thumb is "Large Universities in Large Cities" followed by "Large Universities in Small cities". Both of these will have significant numbers of Jewish students and will help a student stay involved in their faith while away at school. "Small Universities in Small Cities" is a recipe for disaster. Hillel, The Foundation for Jewish Life on Campus, puts out an annual guide to Judaism on College campus, with information about Judaic classes, Jewish organizations and total numbers of Jewish Students who attend. This should be part of the college selection process.
Parents may find that they will have to "insist" that a student continue in formal and informal Jewish educational settings for a while. There are many organizations that are fighting for the teens attention. By showing our preference early for Jewish organizations and classes, and our own connection to them, we will set the pattern that will last a lifetime. My father always reminded me of one warning: "you only get to make the decisions for your child for the first 15 years. After that, they make most of their own decisions. They will ask for advice, but your control over their life begins to quickly wane". If we set our standards early, our children will reap a lifetime of Jewish rewards.
Next week: Jewish Spirituality for Children and Teens
November 22, 2004 - Number 5765-9
Jewish Education after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah
There is an old myth that Jewish education can be stopped after the Bar or Bat Mitzvah. I guess it depends on how the parents see the goal of Jewish education. If Judaism is to be anything more than a quaint footnote in the family history, than the family must confront the continuing education of their children.
The most important part of a teenager’s Jewish education is the continuing education of his or her parents. Teens are very aware of cases of "do as I say, not as I do" and lose interest quickly when they do things that seem to play no role at all in the family life. Parents who attend synagogue regularly will find their children will want to attend with them, in the adult service. Parents who study will, with their lessons, inspire their children to study. While working for the Jewish community, on communal committees and organizations as a volunteer is crucial for the Jewish community, if the endless meetings will take a parent away from a student who needs parental imput, than it will work against strong Jewish connections in the children. This applies even to synagogue committees that are not connected to learning. Teens need to know that their life comes first, only later do we volunteer our time.
For teens, there are two kinds of Jewish Education. Formal and Informal. Formal Education refers to Judaica High School, Confirmation and College level Jewish studies classes. Jewish Day Schools, at the High School level often provide a quality secular education, with proper guidance programs for the college bound, with sophisticated Judaic studies in Talmud, Bible, Hebrew and Rabbinic Literature. Confirmation classes often have the additional benefit of studying with the Rabbi of their own congregation. Judaica High School offers a wide selection to "taste" the different aspects of Adult Jewish Studies as well as the possibility of adding education classes to earn a "Sunday School Teaching Certificate", which can be translated into a steady job when the student reaches college.
Informal Jewish Education includes Youth Groups, Summer Camps and Israel Programs. Youth Groups offer a selection of activities and travel opportunities that broaden the teen’s horizons. Summer camp offers a full immersion in Jewish Life for 4-8 weeks. Israel programs offer each teen a connection with the world wide Jewish community and a personal connection to their own faith. Older teens can also benefit from Eastern European tours that visit sites important to Judaism before and during the Holocaust. March of the Living, Ramah and USY all offer Eastern European tours for 11 and 12 graders.
Much of the life of a Teen is social. They are interested in expanding their circle of friends and dating also becomes a concern. In both formal and informal Jewish educational settings, there are many opportunities to enlarge the student’s circle of Jewish friends. It is from these circles that the pattern of later Jewish affiliation will grow. As the students interests in Jewish activities grows, this helps lead to affiliation at college with Jewish groups and later connections as a young adult. Studies have shown that Youth Groups, Israel Tours, Summer camp and Jewish Education all increase the chances that the young adult will stay connected to Judaism, that he or she will marry a Jewish partner and raise Jewish children.
When the time comes to select a college. The rule of thumb is "Large Universities in Large Cities" followed by "Large Universities in Small cities". Both of these will have significant numbers of Jewish students and will help a student stay involved in their faith while away at school. "Small Universities in Small Cities" is a recipe for disaster. Hillel, The Foundation for Jewish Life on Campus, puts out an annual guide to Judaism on College campus, with information about Judaic classes, Jewish organizations and total numbers of Jewish Students who attend. This should be part of the college selection process.
Parents may find that they will have to "insist" that a student continue in formal and informal Jewish educational settings for a while. There are many organizations that are fighting for the teens attention. By showing our preference early for Jewish organizations and classes, and our own connection to them, we will set the pattern that will last a lifetime. My father always reminded me of one warning: "you only get to make the decisions for your child for the first 15 years. After that, they make most of their own decisions. They will ask for advice, but your control over their life begins to quickly wane". If we set our standards early, our children will reap a lifetime of Jewish rewards.
Next week: Jewish Spirituality for Children and Teens
Monday, November 15, 2004
HMS 5765-8; Bar and Bat Mitzvah Parties
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
November 15, 2004 - Number 5765-8
Bar and Bat Mitzvah Parties
There has been much written about Bar Mitzvah parties over the centuries. Some has been complimentary and some has been critical. Whole books are written on how to plan a Bar or Bat Mitzvah party and much ink has been spilled crying over the sometimes excesses of these parties.
The party after the ceremony of Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a crucial part of the celebration and has a time honored past. It falls into the category of "Seudat Mitzvah" the "meal in celebration of a Mitzvah." Like any other Mitzvah, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is subject to the rule of "Hiddur Mitzvah", that is we enhance the Mitzvah by making it more beautiful. The point of the party is to rejoice with the family when their child attains the age of responsibility for the Mtizvot.
There is no "Halacha" concerning the party other than one should celebrate the Mitzvah. This means that all the different parts of the party that are in use today are only custom. Customs relating to parties change according to the culture and times in which the party takes place. One is free to follow local customs or not unless the community has set limits on parties in general. For example some communities may forbid mixed dancing at the party, or may insist on a certain location. Usually these limits are explained when the date for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is scheduled.
One of the most important customs is that the party should be Kosher, whether or not the family keeps Kosher in their home. Because of the connection between the party and the Mitzvah, one should keep the ritual part of the occasion strong by arranging for all food to be Kosher.
Throughout the medieval and modern periods, there has been literature about excesses at Seudot Mitzvah. That families were spending too much money on a party and were in danger of harming their financial situation. These have always proved hard to define and to enforce. It is however, important that the party be put into a proper perspective. The point of the celebration is to rejoice with the family and friends. This would be hard to do if the family is spending well beyond their means. A Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is not about being more extravagant than the neighbors, it is about doing something that will have meaning for the family and for the student who is the focus of the celebration. A small party at home can be as significant as a large party at a large catering hall. The size of the room, the number of guests, the theme of the party, the size of the band or the type of clothing required do not insure that the party will be a success. On the other hand, having guests that are important to the family, in a setting that is appropriate, with a theme that is in keeping with the interests of the student with good food and good music will provide everyone with a good time regardless of the exact cost.
Many students today also build their party around a Mitzvah project. Asking guests to bring items for the poor or handicapped, to have centerpieces on the tables that will provide food for the hungry or toys for sick children. Sometimes, in lieu of gifts, the family may request donations to a favorite charity. One should consult their Rabbi for project ideas.
There is no rules concerning candle lighting ceremonies or other ceremonies to honor special guests at the party. This is an opportunity to be very creative in finding a way to honor those who are an important part of the student’s life. It is appropriate for the student to choose who will be honored and to write the words that will honor that person. It is also appropriate, that at age 13, a student will need appropriate help from parents to do this properly. Many families also use this time for a "Bar/Bat Mitzvah speech" where the student thanks those who were his teachers and mentors in the course of his or her Jewish education. If the student did not do a D’var Torah at the service, this is another opportunity to gives some words of Torah. Parents may also use this event to offer a toast to their child for all that he or she has accomplished.
One can find many books about party "etiquette" to prevent major problems, but here are a few of my own:
Care should be taken that alcoholic beverages be served only to adults of legal age. Many people with drinking problems have told us that they got their start drinking by finishing the glasses of drinks people left on the table while dancing. Monitor adult drinking as well and make sure that those who drink too much do not drive.
All children should be appropriately supervised. Activities should keep all students in the room of the party at all times. Friends of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah who are known to cause trouble at parties should not be invited. I know this is hard, but it is the same children, at every party that ruin the event for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah and for the family.
Children should know to thank those who serve them and who entertain them. There is nothing more enjoyable than courtesy in children and adults.
The party should reflect the values of the family. Party themes, music and entertainment should be directed at the children in attendance. Raunchy attire, music, themes or speeches should be reviewed in advance carefully.
Next week: Jewish Education after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah
November 15, 2004 - Number 5765-8
Bar and Bat Mitzvah Parties
There has been much written about Bar Mitzvah parties over the centuries. Some has been complimentary and some has been critical. Whole books are written on how to plan a Bar or Bat Mitzvah party and much ink has been spilled crying over the sometimes excesses of these parties.
The party after the ceremony of Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a crucial part of the celebration and has a time honored past. It falls into the category of "Seudat Mitzvah" the "meal in celebration of a Mitzvah." Like any other Mitzvah, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is subject to the rule of "Hiddur Mitzvah", that is we enhance the Mitzvah by making it more beautiful. The point of the party is to rejoice with the family when their child attains the age of responsibility for the Mtizvot.
There is no "Halacha" concerning the party other than one should celebrate the Mitzvah. This means that all the different parts of the party that are in use today are only custom. Customs relating to parties change according to the culture and times in which the party takes place. One is free to follow local customs or not unless the community has set limits on parties in general. For example some communities may forbid mixed dancing at the party, or may insist on a certain location. Usually these limits are explained when the date for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is scheduled.
One of the most important customs is that the party should be Kosher, whether or not the family keeps Kosher in their home. Because of the connection between the party and the Mitzvah, one should keep the ritual part of the occasion strong by arranging for all food to be Kosher.
Throughout the medieval and modern periods, there has been literature about excesses at Seudot Mitzvah. That families were spending too much money on a party and were in danger of harming their financial situation. These have always proved hard to define and to enforce. It is however, important that the party be put into a proper perspective. The point of the celebration is to rejoice with the family and friends. This would be hard to do if the family is spending well beyond their means. A Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is not about being more extravagant than the neighbors, it is about doing something that will have meaning for the family and for the student who is the focus of the celebration. A small party at home can be as significant as a large party at a large catering hall. The size of the room, the number of guests, the theme of the party, the size of the band or the type of clothing required do not insure that the party will be a success. On the other hand, having guests that are important to the family, in a setting that is appropriate, with a theme that is in keeping with the interests of the student with good food and good music will provide everyone with a good time regardless of the exact cost.
Many students today also build their party around a Mitzvah project. Asking guests to bring items for the poor or handicapped, to have centerpieces on the tables that will provide food for the hungry or toys for sick children. Sometimes, in lieu of gifts, the family may request donations to a favorite charity. One should consult their Rabbi for project ideas.
There is no rules concerning candle lighting ceremonies or other ceremonies to honor special guests at the party. This is an opportunity to be very creative in finding a way to honor those who are an important part of the student’s life. It is appropriate for the student to choose who will be honored and to write the words that will honor that person. It is also appropriate, that at age 13, a student will need appropriate help from parents to do this properly. Many families also use this time for a "Bar/Bat Mitzvah speech" where the student thanks those who were his teachers and mentors in the course of his or her Jewish education. If the student did not do a D’var Torah at the service, this is another opportunity to gives some words of Torah. Parents may also use this event to offer a toast to their child for all that he or she has accomplished.
One can find many books about party "etiquette" to prevent major problems, but here are a few of my own:
Care should be taken that alcoholic beverages be served only to adults of legal age. Many people with drinking problems have told us that they got their start drinking by finishing the glasses of drinks people left on the table while dancing. Monitor adult drinking as well and make sure that those who drink too much do not drive.
All children should be appropriately supervised. Activities should keep all students in the room of the party at all times. Friends of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah who are known to cause trouble at parties should not be invited. I know this is hard, but it is the same children, at every party that ruin the event for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah and for the family.
Children should know to thank those who serve them and who entertain them. There is nothing more enjoyable than courtesy in children and adults.
The party should reflect the values of the family. Party themes, music and entertainment should be directed at the children in attendance. Raunchy attire, music, themes or speeches should be reviewed in advance carefully.
Next week: Jewish Education after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah
Monday, November 8, 2004
HMS 5765-7; Bar and Bat Mitzvah
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
November 8, 2004 - Number 5765-7
Bar and Bat Mitzvah
For the sake of clarity, Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah are the same thing. They mark the age when a Jewish child takes on the ritual commandments of adulthood. It is "legal age" for Jewish ritual purposes. In ancient days, this legal age came about with the onset of puberty. With a nod to women who mature earlier than men, Bat Mitzvah, in ancient times occurred at age 12 ½, for boys, Bat Mitzvah was at age 13. Today most congregations observe the date for both sexes at age 13. By legal age we mean the age when a Jewish child is responsible for daily prayer, for daily study and to participate in ritual commandments, (lighting candles, saying Kiddush, reciting blessings etc.). Please note that these requirements fall upon the child no matter what may happen on that birthday, with or without a party or any celebration marking the day. Any child, over the age of 13 is by definition a Bar (Bat) Mitzvah, that is legally responsible for the mitzvot. Just as an American child is legal age when they reach 18, no matter if they have a birthday party or not.
There is no Bar of Bat Mitzvah in the Torah or anywhere in the Bible. It is first found in the Mishna, in massechet Avot where it declares that age 13 is the age for Mitzvot. That is, the age when a person is responsible for the Mitzvot. In Jewish law, anyone who shares the same level of responsibility for the Mitzvot can perform that Mitzvah on behalf of someone else. This means that once a child is "legal age" than they can also lead services, read Torah, light candles and do other rituals on behalf of others. This is why the ritual for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is to participate in a service. It applies to any service, weekday, holiday or Shabbat, and to any part of the service, Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv, Musaf or the Torah Service. Since Shabbat services are the focus of a week of prayer, and the most important part of that service is the reading of the Torah and most important Torah honor on Shabbat is Maftir, the final aliyah, than we give the new Bar or Bat Mitzvah that honor. It is a chance to show the community what they have learned in school about Torah, Haftara, chanting and Hebrew. To this base we add on other honors. The Bar or Bat Mitzvah may actually read other sections of the Torah on behalf of the people with earlier honors, he or she may lead the Pesuke D’Zimra, the Shacharit, the Torah service or the Musaf service. It is also the custom in some places for the Bar or Bat Mitzvah to lead a lesson in the Torah, by giving the D’var Torah for that Shabbat, the explanation of what will be read in the Torah and how it relates to what is important in his or her life. The parents of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah are also given an honor on that Shabbat. In past centuries, the parents would recite a special blessing thanking G-d for relieving then of responsibility for their child (who is now legal age and responsible for him/herself). Since in our modern world, responsibility for our children will last at least until age 18 ( and in some families well beyond age 40!) It is no longer our custom to recite this blessing. We give a special blessing to parents as they enter a new phase in the growth of their child.
Children with learning disabilities can also mark their passage into Jewish legal age. They may take part in the less complicated services on Monday, Thursday or Shabbat Afternoon. They may take a less complicated aliyah than Maftir or may conduce a shorter service. What they do is not important, only that we mark this milestone in their life. The Masorti Movement in Israel (the Israeli version of our Conservative Judaism) has helped students who were declared "uneducatible" by the other rabbis, take part in a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony, to the joy of the students and their parents as well.
It has been my experience, that the students who do well in their training for their Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony are the students who attend Shabbat services regularly, especially if they attend with their family. Once they have a firm understanding of what the elements of the service are, they learn quickly and easily the lessons that help them master each element in turn. There is on other indicator for success in Bar or Bat Mitzvah training that is more significant that regular attendance in synagogue for the student and his or her family. Families who want to maximize their child’s participation in the service, should bring them to synagogue as often as possible from as early an age as possible.
Because of the number of families who need to find a date for their celebration, and because of friendships between students that transcend one congregation or another, as well as for reasons of planning a proper Seudah Mitzvah ( a meal in celebration of a ritual), often a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is picked up to three years in advance. Actual Bar/Bat Mitzvah training will begin usually about a year before the child turns 13. Until that time, almost all congregations require synagogue membership for the family and a total of 5 continuous years of Religious school or Day School training. While a Bar Mitzvah ceremony could be taught and performed in as little time as a few weeks, such ceremonies have no meaning for the child as it has no basis in the context of a Jewish Education, and is nothing more than a rote recital for the community. Most congregations do not see themselves as "Bar Mitzvah Factories" and have requirements that insure an educational context for the Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony. While planning a party is fun, the celebration after the ceremony is second to the celebration in synagogue. Families should spend more time on the ritual part of the ceremony and less time party planning.
A new addition to the ceremony has been added in recent years. Since the child is ready to perform Mitzvot, some families are adopting a "Mitzvah Project" for their child, using this celebration to bring about an important Mitzvah. Some ask invited guests to bring items like children books, clothing, food and coats to be donated by the child to the impoverished. Others include buying bonds for Israel, contributions to Federation or other worthy Jewish causes, help for animals, hospital patients or a wide variety of other causes. Families should consult with their Rabbi for ideas and resources to help a family decide on a proper project. Since this is also the time the student becomes responsible for his or her own contributions to Tzedakah, a portion of money received as gifts should also be earmarked for worthy causes.
Next week: Bar and Bat Mitzvah Parties
November 8, 2004 - Number 5765-7
Bar and Bat Mitzvah
For the sake of clarity, Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah are the same thing. They mark the age when a Jewish child takes on the ritual commandments of adulthood. It is "legal age" for Jewish ritual purposes. In ancient days, this legal age came about with the onset of puberty. With a nod to women who mature earlier than men, Bat Mitzvah, in ancient times occurred at age 12 ½, for boys, Bat Mitzvah was at age 13. Today most congregations observe the date for both sexes at age 13. By legal age we mean the age when a Jewish child is responsible for daily prayer, for daily study and to participate in ritual commandments, (lighting candles, saying Kiddush, reciting blessings etc.). Please note that these requirements fall upon the child no matter what may happen on that birthday, with or without a party or any celebration marking the day. Any child, over the age of 13 is by definition a Bar (Bat) Mitzvah, that is legally responsible for the mitzvot. Just as an American child is legal age when they reach 18, no matter if they have a birthday party or not.
There is no Bar of Bat Mitzvah in the Torah or anywhere in the Bible. It is first found in the Mishna, in massechet Avot where it declares that age 13 is the age for Mitzvot. That is, the age when a person is responsible for the Mitzvot. In Jewish law, anyone who shares the same level of responsibility for the Mitzvot can perform that Mitzvah on behalf of someone else. This means that once a child is "legal age" than they can also lead services, read Torah, light candles and do other rituals on behalf of others. This is why the ritual for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is to participate in a service. It applies to any service, weekday, holiday or Shabbat, and to any part of the service, Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv, Musaf or the Torah Service. Since Shabbat services are the focus of a week of prayer, and the most important part of that service is the reading of the Torah and most important Torah honor on Shabbat is Maftir, the final aliyah, than we give the new Bar or Bat Mitzvah that honor. It is a chance to show the community what they have learned in school about Torah, Haftara, chanting and Hebrew. To this base we add on other honors. The Bar or Bat Mitzvah may actually read other sections of the Torah on behalf of the people with earlier honors, he or she may lead the Pesuke D’Zimra, the Shacharit, the Torah service or the Musaf service. It is also the custom in some places for the Bar or Bat Mitzvah to lead a lesson in the Torah, by giving the D’var Torah for that Shabbat, the explanation of what will be read in the Torah and how it relates to what is important in his or her life. The parents of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah are also given an honor on that Shabbat. In past centuries, the parents would recite a special blessing thanking G-d for relieving then of responsibility for their child (who is now legal age and responsible for him/herself). Since in our modern world, responsibility for our children will last at least until age 18 ( and in some families well beyond age 40!) It is no longer our custom to recite this blessing. We give a special blessing to parents as they enter a new phase in the growth of their child.
Children with learning disabilities can also mark their passage into Jewish legal age. They may take part in the less complicated services on Monday, Thursday or Shabbat Afternoon. They may take a less complicated aliyah than Maftir or may conduce a shorter service. What they do is not important, only that we mark this milestone in their life. The Masorti Movement in Israel (the Israeli version of our Conservative Judaism) has helped students who were declared "uneducatible" by the other rabbis, take part in a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony, to the joy of the students and their parents as well.
It has been my experience, that the students who do well in their training for their Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony are the students who attend Shabbat services regularly, especially if they attend with their family. Once they have a firm understanding of what the elements of the service are, they learn quickly and easily the lessons that help them master each element in turn. There is on other indicator for success in Bar or Bat Mitzvah training that is more significant that regular attendance in synagogue for the student and his or her family. Families who want to maximize their child’s participation in the service, should bring them to synagogue as often as possible from as early an age as possible.
Because of the number of families who need to find a date for their celebration, and because of friendships between students that transcend one congregation or another, as well as for reasons of planning a proper Seudah Mitzvah ( a meal in celebration of a ritual), often a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is picked up to three years in advance. Actual Bar/Bat Mitzvah training will begin usually about a year before the child turns 13. Until that time, almost all congregations require synagogue membership for the family and a total of 5 continuous years of Religious school or Day School training. While a Bar Mitzvah ceremony could be taught and performed in as little time as a few weeks, such ceremonies have no meaning for the child as it has no basis in the context of a Jewish Education, and is nothing more than a rote recital for the community. Most congregations do not see themselves as "Bar Mitzvah Factories" and have requirements that insure an educational context for the Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony. While planning a party is fun, the celebration after the ceremony is second to the celebration in synagogue. Families should spend more time on the ritual part of the ceremony and less time party planning.
A new addition to the ceremony has been added in recent years. Since the child is ready to perform Mitzvot, some families are adopting a "Mitzvah Project" for their child, using this celebration to bring about an important Mitzvah. Some ask invited guests to bring items like children books, clothing, food and coats to be donated by the child to the impoverished. Others include buying bonds for Israel, contributions to Federation or other worthy Jewish causes, help for animals, hospital patients or a wide variety of other causes. Families should consult with their Rabbi for ideas and resources to help a family decide on a proper project. Since this is also the time the student becomes responsible for his or her own contributions to Tzedakah, a portion of money received as gifts should also be earmarked for worthy causes.
Next week: Bar and Bat Mitzvah Parties
Monday, November 1, 2004
HMS 5765-6; Raising Jewish Children
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
November 1, 2004 - Number 5765-6
Raising Jewish Children
There is a well known story about a woman who came to a famous educator to ask about when was the best time to begin a child’s education. The Professor asked the woman, "How old is your child?" The woman replied, "He is five years old."
"Good Lord, woman," the Professor exclaimed, "You have already wasted five years!!"
Many parents believe that education begins with Pre-School and Jewish Education begins in the third grade. Such parents indeed have wasted much time. From the moment of birth a child is learning, learning both the way of the world and the child’s own Jewish inheritance. What then do we need to know to raise healthy Jewish children?
First of all, to raise Jewish children we need a Jewish home. The Jewish home is the primary location for all Jewish learning. How can we create a Jewish home? It means putting a Mezuzah on our doors and Jewish books on our shelves. It means having and using the ritual items for Passover, Shavuot, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hanukkah and Purim. It means having a Shabbat meal every Friday night, with every member of the family present, and it means making time to pray as a family. Jewish guests should be invited for Jewish occasions and every member of the family should be enrolled in some form of Jewish Education. The Sages of the Talmud ask "If there is only enough money in the family to hire one teacher, who should be the one to study, the parent or the child?" The sages answer with great wisdom, "The teacher should be hired for the parent who will then turn and teach his or her child."
A proper Jewish home should also be a Kosher home. What we put in our mouths should be as important as what comes out of our mouth. The laws of Kashrut teach us to control our appetites and not to let our appetites control us. A Jewish home should be a place where Lashon HaRa, evil speech is never allowed. This means that gossip, trash talk, and even words that are true but hurtful, are never spoken.
When we raise a child in this kind of an environment, the consistency and rules will be a comfort to the child, and the world around this child will be filled with loving moments and warm attention. It is important for a child to know that no matter how busy the week will be, parents can always be found around the Shabbat Table. That there is a way to celebrate the seasons of the year, always showing our thanks to G-d for allowing us to reach this next milestone. Even when, G-d forbid, there is a death in the family, a child in a Shiva home easily understands that everyone is there to make those who are hurt feel better. In their own way, they too can have a part in comforting the mourners. The blessing of children on Shabbat eve is one way that we can show our children the important place they hold in our lives. Pesach, Hanukkah and Purim are magical times for both parents and children.
The best way to raise Jewish children is to be a Jewish parent. One can not expect a child to come to love whatever it is that we are avoiding. I know parents who will never miss a child’s soccer match or baseball game, but would never think of attending synagogue with their children. There are so many families who stress training for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah but never show any interest in what they are learning, other than to remind them that they will have to do a "good job" at services. And yes, service to the Jewish community is very important. The work of those who serve on the committees of Federation and a host of other Jewish organizations is of vital concern to Jews not just in our own community but across the globe as well. Committee work, however, is not enough to raise a Jewish child. One needs to also take part in the religious and ritual parts of Judaism, so that Judaism will not just be another reason mom or dad is never home at night.
To raise a good Jew, we have to be a good Jew. If we want our children to live by Jewish values, we need to live by those very same values. If we want our children to be comfortable with G-d, we need to understand what we believe about G-d. If we want our children to pray, we need to pray and to know why we are praying as well. Our children will try their hand at leading services, reading Torah and reading Jewish books if we go out first to set the example. Our secular society is interested in teaching children a "values free" education. We have no such interest. We are very interested in teaching our children Jewish values, and before we can teach them, we have to live them ourselves. This is why we must always remember that the most important part of my education, is my Jewish education. It provides the context for everything else we have to learn.
Next week: Bar and Bat Mitzvah
November 1, 2004 - Number 5765-6
Raising Jewish Children
There is a well known story about a woman who came to a famous educator to ask about when was the best time to begin a child’s education. The Professor asked the woman, "How old is your child?" The woman replied, "He is five years old."
"Good Lord, woman," the Professor exclaimed, "You have already wasted five years!!"
Many parents believe that education begins with Pre-School and Jewish Education begins in the third grade. Such parents indeed have wasted much time. From the moment of birth a child is learning, learning both the way of the world and the child’s own Jewish inheritance. What then do we need to know to raise healthy Jewish children?
First of all, to raise Jewish children we need a Jewish home. The Jewish home is the primary location for all Jewish learning. How can we create a Jewish home? It means putting a Mezuzah on our doors and Jewish books on our shelves. It means having and using the ritual items for Passover, Shavuot, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hanukkah and Purim. It means having a Shabbat meal every Friday night, with every member of the family present, and it means making time to pray as a family. Jewish guests should be invited for Jewish occasions and every member of the family should be enrolled in some form of Jewish Education. The Sages of the Talmud ask "If there is only enough money in the family to hire one teacher, who should be the one to study, the parent or the child?" The sages answer with great wisdom, "The teacher should be hired for the parent who will then turn and teach his or her child."
A proper Jewish home should also be a Kosher home. What we put in our mouths should be as important as what comes out of our mouth. The laws of Kashrut teach us to control our appetites and not to let our appetites control us. A Jewish home should be a place where Lashon HaRa, evil speech is never allowed. This means that gossip, trash talk, and even words that are true but hurtful, are never spoken.
When we raise a child in this kind of an environment, the consistency and rules will be a comfort to the child, and the world around this child will be filled with loving moments and warm attention. It is important for a child to know that no matter how busy the week will be, parents can always be found around the Shabbat Table. That there is a way to celebrate the seasons of the year, always showing our thanks to G-d for allowing us to reach this next milestone. Even when, G-d forbid, there is a death in the family, a child in a Shiva home easily understands that everyone is there to make those who are hurt feel better. In their own way, they too can have a part in comforting the mourners. The blessing of children on Shabbat eve is one way that we can show our children the important place they hold in our lives. Pesach, Hanukkah and Purim are magical times for both parents and children.
The best way to raise Jewish children is to be a Jewish parent. One can not expect a child to come to love whatever it is that we are avoiding. I know parents who will never miss a child’s soccer match or baseball game, but would never think of attending synagogue with their children. There are so many families who stress training for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah but never show any interest in what they are learning, other than to remind them that they will have to do a "good job" at services. And yes, service to the Jewish community is very important. The work of those who serve on the committees of Federation and a host of other Jewish organizations is of vital concern to Jews not just in our own community but across the globe as well. Committee work, however, is not enough to raise a Jewish child. One needs to also take part in the religious and ritual parts of Judaism, so that Judaism will not just be another reason mom or dad is never home at night.
To raise a good Jew, we have to be a good Jew. If we want our children to live by Jewish values, we need to live by those very same values. If we want our children to be comfortable with G-d, we need to understand what we believe about G-d. If we want our children to pray, we need to pray and to know why we are praying as well. Our children will try their hand at leading services, reading Torah and reading Jewish books if we go out first to set the example. Our secular society is interested in teaching children a "values free" education. We have no such interest. We are very interested in teaching our children Jewish values, and before we can teach them, we have to live them ourselves. This is why we must always remember that the most important part of my education, is my Jewish education. It provides the context for everything else we have to learn.
Next week: Bar and Bat Mitzvah
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