Talmidav Shel Aharon
29-5767: Mitzvah 63
June 25, 2007
Mitzvah 63 – It is a positive commandment to give a pawned object back to its owner at the time that he needs it.
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture says: “you shall surely restore to him the pledge.” (Deut. 24:13) It is all one whether a person takes an object I pledge from another person through the court or he takes it with his own hand (directly), by force or with the borrower’s consent – he has this duty, and is to return him a pillow at night; and tools with which he does his work, or clothes that he wears in the daytime, he is to return him by day for the entire day. Whoever transgresses and does not return a pledged object at its proper time disobeys this positive commandment and violates one prohibition.
This rather simple Mitzvah cuts to the core of what it means to be live by Jewish Law. A person would only pawn something in order to raise some cash in an emergency. Most of the time such a person would pawn something of value that was not needed everyday. But sometimes, the need is such that something crucial to the family would have to be pawned. He might pawn his pillow upon which he needs to sleep. The tools by which he earns a living, clothing he needs to wear each day. Judaism insists that if we take that object as the collateral on the loan, we still maintain our ownership of it, but we can not prevent the borrower from using it when he needs it. We must return his pillow at night and he must return it to the lender in the morning. If we take his tools, we must return it before the borrower goes to work and he must return it to the lender when the days work is done. How could such a person ever hope to redeem the pledge and pay off the loan if he can not work, go out in the world or get a good night’s sleep.
The objects listed by the Hafetz Hayim are only examples. Anything that a person might need, cooking pots, uniforms, etc, all must be returned if it will prevent the borrower from being able to feed his family or earn the money to pay back the loan. The lender retains the “ownership” of the item, even if the borrower is using it, and it must be returned when the borrower no longer needs it. It does not matter if the collateral was seized by the lender or given to him by a court to pay off the loan. We cannot expect a person to pay back what is owed if we seize the very items that will make this possible.
Judaism demands justice even when we do business. Judaism does not say, “business is business” and turn its back on those in need. Capitalism demands that people pay back the loans they contract. But Judaism insists that a pledged item might still be needed and must therefore be returned to give a person a chance to get their life back in order. It is a beautiful part of our business law.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
28-5767: Mitzvah 62
Talmidav Shel Aharon
28-5767: Mitzvah 62
June 18, 2007
Mitzvah 62 – It is a positive commandment to lend money to poor Jews.
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture says: “If you lend money to any of my people, to the poor with you.” (Ex. 22:24) and this is a duty. This mitzvah is greater than charity, and more obligatory. The Torah disapproves severely of anyone who refuses to lend to a poor person, since it says, “and your eye may be evil against your needy brother … and it will be a sin for you.” (Deut. 15:9) It is in effect everywhere, at every time, for both men and women.
According to Maimonides, the greatest form of charity is giving a loan to someone in need to help them get back on their feet. It is a form of giving that is respectful of the person who is in need and allows him or her to retain their dignity. The force of this Mitzvah, however goes even beyond this ruling.
Charity, as defined by the Hafetz Hayim, and by virtually all other sages, is not the same as what we call charity today. When we use the English word, “charity” we are usually referring to the giving of money out of the goodness of our heart to a worthy cause. In Hebrew, the word we use for charity has a very different meaning. “Tzedakah” is from the root meaning, “justice”. Social justice demands that we take account of the poor and hungry and we must help them in their time of need. It is not something left to the “goodness of our heart” but it is a requirement of all Jews to help those who are in need. It is simple justice that those who have enough should support those who do not.
This Mitzvah, takes Tzedaka to the next step. If we are able, we should move not just to help someone with their daily needs, but should feel obligated to help them out of the cycle of poverty as well. We all know that in a capitalistic society, one must have money before one can make money. This is the kind of capital investment that yields great rewards. Not in money returned for the investment, but in lives saved from poverty. It is giving another person a second chance in life. We are helping that person to start over trying to become a fully productive member of the community. It is important that we realize that if we feel that such a loan will indeed make a difference in that person’s life, we have an obligation to make the loan. That is the nature of this commandment.
Once again, because of the way the Biblical passage is written, there seems to be a bias to supporting Jews who are poor and not other non-Jews in the community. It is my feeling that we do have a requirement to support Jews first. That is, if we have limited resources, that we should make the effort to help our own poor before we help the other poor in the community. I hold this because it is similar to helping one’s own family before one helps the poor of other families.
However, this does not mean that we have no obligations to the other poor in our community. If we have the means to help lift others out of the cycle of poverty through loans of support, than we should be equally obligated to such loans. Clearly we can not personally end all poverty that we see around us, but if we feel that such a loan can have a lasting effect on a person and his/her family, we should not hesitate to make such a loan. The reason this applies is a principle in Jewish Law called “Mipnay Darkei Shalom” we do some things “for the sake of peace”. It is not just that people may feel angry that our money only goes to Jews, it is the greater reason that through such loans, those who are lifted from poverty will praise their benefactor, praise their faith and praise their G-d. It is a matter of Kiddush HaShem, the primary obligation to bring honor to the name of G-d.
It does no good to have charitable funds just sitting in the bank and not working to help ease the plight of poor families of any faith. We need to exercise our obligation to help others, all others, to get back on their feet.
28-5767: Mitzvah 62
June 18, 2007
Mitzvah 62 – It is a positive commandment to lend money to poor Jews.
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture says: “If you lend money to any of my people, to the poor with you.” (Ex. 22:24) and this is a duty. This mitzvah is greater than charity, and more obligatory. The Torah disapproves severely of anyone who refuses to lend to a poor person, since it says, “and your eye may be evil against your needy brother … and it will be a sin for you.” (Deut. 15:9) It is in effect everywhere, at every time, for both men and women.
According to Maimonides, the greatest form of charity is giving a loan to someone in need to help them get back on their feet. It is a form of giving that is respectful of the person who is in need and allows him or her to retain their dignity. The force of this Mitzvah, however goes even beyond this ruling.
Charity, as defined by the Hafetz Hayim, and by virtually all other sages, is not the same as what we call charity today. When we use the English word, “charity” we are usually referring to the giving of money out of the goodness of our heart to a worthy cause. In Hebrew, the word we use for charity has a very different meaning. “Tzedakah” is from the root meaning, “justice”. Social justice demands that we take account of the poor and hungry and we must help them in their time of need. It is not something left to the “goodness of our heart” but it is a requirement of all Jews to help those who are in need. It is simple justice that those who have enough should support those who do not.
This Mitzvah, takes Tzedaka to the next step. If we are able, we should move not just to help someone with their daily needs, but should feel obligated to help them out of the cycle of poverty as well. We all know that in a capitalistic society, one must have money before one can make money. This is the kind of capital investment that yields great rewards. Not in money returned for the investment, but in lives saved from poverty. It is giving another person a second chance in life. We are helping that person to start over trying to become a fully productive member of the community. It is important that we realize that if we feel that such a loan will indeed make a difference in that person’s life, we have an obligation to make the loan. That is the nature of this commandment.
Once again, because of the way the Biblical passage is written, there seems to be a bias to supporting Jews who are poor and not other non-Jews in the community. It is my feeling that we do have a requirement to support Jews first. That is, if we have limited resources, that we should make the effort to help our own poor before we help the other poor in the community. I hold this because it is similar to helping one’s own family before one helps the poor of other families.
However, this does not mean that we have no obligations to the other poor in our community. If we have the means to help lift others out of the cycle of poverty through loans of support, than we should be equally obligated to such loans. Clearly we can not personally end all poverty that we see around us, but if we feel that such a loan can have a lasting effect on a person and his/her family, we should not hesitate to make such a loan. The reason this applies is a principle in Jewish Law called “Mipnay Darkei Shalom” we do some things “for the sake of peace”. It is not just that people may feel angry that our money only goes to Jews, it is the greater reason that through such loans, those who are lifted from poverty will praise their benefactor, praise their faith and praise their G-d. It is a matter of Kiddush HaShem, the primary obligation to bring honor to the name of G-d.
It does no good to have charitable funds just sitting in the bank and not working to help ease the plight of poor families of any faith. We need to exercise our obligation to help others, all others, to get back on their feet.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
27-5767: Mitzvah 60 and 61
Talmidav Shel Aharon
27-5767: Mitzvah 60 and 61
June 11, 2007
Mitzvah 60 – It is a positive commandment to bear affection for everyone in Jewry as for oneself.
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture says: “and you shall love your fellow as yourself ” (Lev 19:18) It is therefore necessary to have as much protective concern for another person’s physical self, his items of monetary value and his esteem, as for one’s own. If someone derives honor from another’s disgrace, he as no share in the world to come. And included in this positive commandment is the religious duty of making peace between a man and his friend. It is in effect everywhere, at every time, for both men and women.
Mitzvah 61 – It is a positive commandment to bear affection for a ger (stranger, convert)
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture states, “you shall therefore love the ger” (Deut. 10:19) This is a religious duty in addition to the precept, “You shall love your fellow as yourself” (Lev. 19:18) [since plainly a ger is included in general Jewry] The Holy One loves the ger since it is written, “He loves the stranger giving him food and clothing” (Deut. 10:18) and it says, “you know the heart of the stranger” (Ex. 23:9) The meaning of ger here is one who has come from another land or another city to live with us and all the more certainly someone who has converted to Judaism. It is in force everywhere and always, for both men and women.
The plain meaning of this mitzvah is that we should love everyone as we would love ourselves. Or as the Sage Hillel put it so succinctly, “Do no do to others what you would not want them to do to you.” Rabbi Akiva in the Talmud notes that this is the most important Mitzvah in the entire Torah. It seems so simple but the implications are so great. If we understand that we are commanded, obligated and required to treat all people with the same respect that we feel we deserve we will find ourselves treating others with respect and acting humbly at all times. We are not better than other people, we are no worse, we are all the same, needing the same support, the same love and the same concern that all other human beings require. If we provide that for others, they will, return that favor in our time of need. It cannot be stressed enough. Give others the love and respect that we think we deserve and the world will be a far more peaceful and loving place.
So why is this so hard to do? Why is this commandment that is so important so universally ignored or challenged. I think of the joke where one man says to another, “the guy who said we should love our neighbor never had MY neighbors!” You see a hint of this even in the Hafetz Hayim’s statements. I am not sure why he needed to make this two separate mitzvot. The commandment is clear, “Love your fellow as yourself.” It does not say, as the Hafetz Hayim says, “to love your fellow Israelite as yourself.” But in many circles, some that are populated by very pious people, feel that it only applies to Jews. Implying that one is not required to treat non-Jews in this manner. While there are many important Sages in ancient and modern times who may hold this position, I , and many other Rabbis as well feel that this is a completely wrong interpretation. I will say it clearly and completely, Leviticus requires that we treat all people, Jews, non-Jews, converts, pagans, obnoxious people, people who are dumber than us, people who disagree with us, people who look different, people of a different gender, people who talk different, our enemies, the enemies of our friends, people who think they are better than us, people who are more popular than us, people who we feel are keeping us from our full potential, all of these must be treated at all times with respect just as we would want to be treated. In short, read this Mitzvah literally, “Love your fellow as yourself”.
A good friend of mine, Rabbi Irwin Kula of CLAL, teaches that if you can’t love your fellow as yourself, than don’t look at the other person to see why you can’t love him, rather look inside yourself. This does not mean you have to like everyone you meet, only that they deserve your respect at all times. No matter how you may feel about another person you should be able to sit at the same table, engage in civil discussion, not speak nasty words behind his or her back and not engage in gossip about anyone. If you disagree you are allowed to express your opinion, and you must listen to their opinion. You are to act with respect and civility at all times.
The reality is that if you keep just this one Mitzvah, it will bring in its wake almost all the other mitzvot as well. Just loving our neighbor as yourself, you will be on your way to observing all the mitzvot “bain Adam L’chavero” “between one human being and another.” We can say even further that if we treat all human beings with kindness and love, we are also in fulfillment of most of the other commandments which are “bain Adam L’Makom” “between a human being and G-d”. It is for this reason that the modern Siddur used by the Conservative movement includes, near the beginning of the morning service, a prayer offered by the “Ari” in the 17th century. “Behold I am about the fulfill the Mitzvah of my Creator to Love my fellow human being as myself”. If we can say this prayer first thing every morning, and let is guide us all day, it will be much harder to go astray from the path G-d desires. One last point, note the punishment for one who derives a living from embarrassing or deriving personal honor from disgracing someone else. Such a person loses his or her share in the world to come. Trafficking in gossip, trading in slander and promoting yourself by denigrating someone else, is a high crime indeed. Speak only of your own good points and never put anyone else down so you can look better. The Hafetz Hayim reminds us that there are special punishments in hell for those who would make a living doing this. This is why we all need to be so careful and “Love our neighbor as yourself.”
27-5767: Mitzvah 60 and 61
June 11, 2007
Mitzvah 60 – It is a positive commandment to bear affection for everyone in Jewry as for oneself.
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture says: “and you shall love your fellow as yourself ” (Lev 19:18) It is therefore necessary to have as much protective concern for another person’s physical self, his items of monetary value and his esteem, as for one’s own. If someone derives honor from another’s disgrace, he as no share in the world to come. And included in this positive commandment is the religious duty of making peace between a man and his friend. It is in effect everywhere, at every time, for both men and women.
Mitzvah 61 – It is a positive commandment to bear affection for a ger (stranger, convert)
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture states, “you shall therefore love the ger” (Deut. 10:19) This is a religious duty in addition to the precept, “You shall love your fellow as yourself” (Lev. 19:18) [since plainly a ger is included in general Jewry] The Holy One loves the ger since it is written, “He loves the stranger giving him food and clothing” (Deut. 10:18) and it says, “you know the heart of the stranger” (Ex. 23:9) The meaning of ger here is one who has come from another land or another city to live with us and all the more certainly someone who has converted to Judaism. It is in force everywhere and always, for both men and women.
The plain meaning of this mitzvah is that we should love everyone as we would love ourselves. Or as the Sage Hillel put it so succinctly, “Do no do to others what you would not want them to do to you.” Rabbi Akiva in the Talmud notes that this is the most important Mitzvah in the entire Torah. It seems so simple but the implications are so great. If we understand that we are commanded, obligated and required to treat all people with the same respect that we feel we deserve we will find ourselves treating others with respect and acting humbly at all times. We are not better than other people, we are no worse, we are all the same, needing the same support, the same love and the same concern that all other human beings require. If we provide that for others, they will, return that favor in our time of need. It cannot be stressed enough. Give others the love and respect that we think we deserve and the world will be a far more peaceful and loving place.
So why is this so hard to do? Why is this commandment that is so important so universally ignored or challenged. I think of the joke where one man says to another, “the guy who said we should love our neighbor never had MY neighbors!” You see a hint of this even in the Hafetz Hayim’s statements. I am not sure why he needed to make this two separate mitzvot. The commandment is clear, “Love your fellow as yourself.” It does not say, as the Hafetz Hayim says, “to love your fellow Israelite as yourself.” But in many circles, some that are populated by very pious people, feel that it only applies to Jews. Implying that one is not required to treat non-Jews in this manner. While there are many important Sages in ancient and modern times who may hold this position, I , and many other Rabbis as well feel that this is a completely wrong interpretation. I will say it clearly and completely, Leviticus requires that we treat all people, Jews, non-Jews, converts, pagans, obnoxious people, people who are dumber than us, people who disagree with us, people who look different, people of a different gender, people who talk different, our enemies, the enemies of our friends, people who think they are better than us, people who are more popular than us, people who we feel are keeping us from our full potential, all of these must be treated at all times with respect just as we would want to be treated. In short, read this Mitzvah literally, “Love your fellow as yourself”.
A good friend of mine, Rabbi Irwin Kula of CLAL, teaches that if you can’t love your fellow as yourself, than don’t look at the other person to see why you can’t love him, rather look inside yourself. This does not mean you have to like everyone you meet, only that they deserve your respect at all times. No matter how you may feel about another person you should be able to sit at the same table, engage in civil discussion, not speak nasty words behind his or her back and not engage in gossip about anyone. If you disagree you are allowed to express your opinion, and you must listen to their opinion. You are to act with respect and civility at all times.
The reality is that if you keep just this one Mitzvah, it will bring in its wake almost all the other mitzvot as well. Just loving our neighbor as yourself, you will be on your way to observing all the mitzvot “bain Adam L’chavero” “between one human being and another.” We can say even further that if we treat all human beings with kindness and love, we are also in fulfillment of most of the other commandments which are “bain Adam L’Makom” “between a human being and G-d”. It is for this reason that the modern Siddur used by the Conservative movement includes, near the beginning of the morning service, a prayer offered by the “Ari” in the 17th century. “Behold I am about the fulfill the Mitzvah of my Creator to Love my fellow human being as myself”. If we can say this prayer first thing every morning, and let is guide us all day, it will be much harder to go astray from the path G-d desires. One last point, note the punishment for one who derives a living from embarrassing or deriving personal honor from disgracing someone else. Such a person loses his or her share in the world to come. Trafficking in gossip, trading in slander and promoting yourself by denigrating someone else, is a high crime indeed. Speak only of your own good points and never put anyone else down so you can look better. The Hafetz Hayim reminds us that there are special punishments in hell for those who would make a living doing this. This is why we all need to be so careful and “Love our neighbor as yourself.”
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
25-5767: Mitzvah 59
Talmidav Shel Aharon
25-5767: Mitzvah 59
June 4, 2007
Mitzvah 59 – It is a positive commandment that a Kohen is to defile himself for close kin (by attending to their burial)
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture says: “for his mother, his father, and for his son and his daughter, and for his unwed sister … for her he shall defile himself. ” (Lev 21:2-3) Although a Kohen is forbidden to become ritually unclean for other dead people, for close kin, however, he has a duty to become defiled ( in attending their burial.) and he has to defile himself for his wife to whom he is married. As for his brother and sister, it applied to those from the same father. Women are not required to become defiled for close kin, but the right to do so is theirs, and they have to observe mourning. This commandment includes within it the religious duty to mourn; that all Jews have a religious obligation to mourn for each of the seven relatives mentioned above. The first day of mourning is decreed by the Torah, while the other days of mourning are by the rule of the Sages. It is in effect everywhere, in every time.
This lesson is easy and hard at the same time. On the one hand, understanding the rules of the Kohanim are easy. A Kohen is not allowed to make himself ritually impure on purpose. There are enough accidents that can happen that need to be addressed that a Kohen cannot do something that will make him ritually impure with intention. There are a few exceptions. For example, if there is an unclaimed body that is in need of burial and there is no one else to bury it, it is a mitzvah for the Kohen to bury that body.
Here we have one of the other exceptions. Ritual impurity from a dead human body is the most severe form of ritual impurity (Tumah). Only the ashes from a properly sacrificed red cow can make a person pure again. This is one of the reasons a Kohen cannot attend to the dead. It would make them impure for seven days. (Another reason is that priests in Egypt, where Israel had a lot of experience, priests dealt with the dead all the time. To prevent this kind of a death cult, Israelite priests were forbidden to take part in funeral rituals.) There has to be a major exception to these rules for the immediate family of a Kohen. It would be both cruel and inhumane to prevent a Kohen from attending to the funeral of seven close relatives. The Torah lists parents, siblings and children as six for which the Kohen may make himself ritually impure with intention. The Sages added a seventh, the spouse. The High Priest cannot make himself impure even for these since there are others in the family who could attend to the funeral beside himself. For this reason a Kohen who is sensitive to these matters will not attend a funeral where the body is present or go to a cemetery. He cannot be in any building that contains a dead body nor can he step over a body in an open place. Only for the seven relatives can he make himself impure. So much for the easy part.
From this Mitzvah, we learn, however, how everyone else is to mourn. According to the law, we are official mourners when one of the seven relatives dies. (parents, siblings, children and spouse) We are commanded to make a tear in our clothing for them, to attend to their funeral and to mourn them after the interment. The tear can be made in the shirt, coat or tie that we are wearing or on a special ribbon that we wear. For a parent, the tear is made on the left side, over the heart. For everyone else it is worn on the right side. For the seven relatives, the mourner becomes exempt from time bound positive Mitzvot while preparing for the funeral.
After the funeral, the mourner observes three set time periods. The most intense mourning is done during the first seven days after the burial. (The exception is Shabbat when no mourning is allowed). During this time a candle burns in the home where the person is observing Shiva (the seven day period is called Shiva) the person does not wear leather soled shoes, one does not put on makeup or shave, and one does not leave the house. Friends and other family members bring them food and other necessities and a service is held in the home so that the family does not have to attend synagogue. The service is held daily from the day of the funeral (counted as the first day) until the morning of the seventh day (you need only observe the first hours of the seventh day) If the seventh day is Shabbat, Shiva ends at noon on Friday. Shiva is temporarily lifted at noon on Friday so that mourners can prepare for Shabbat. Shiva is then restarted when Shabbat is over (unless Shabbat was the last day).
The second period is Sheloshim, it is a 30-day period that begins the first day of Shiva and continues after Shiva is finished. During Sheloshim, one begins to get back to work and get on with life, except that one does not attend parties with music or live music events (concerts, musicals etc). There is an exception if the mourner actually earns his or her living making music or creating parties (band leaders or caterers for example). The third period is the year that begins with the burial and ends with the first anniversary of the death. (Which may or may not be the same day.) During this time the mourner attends services daily so that Kaddish can be recited. If the mourner is able, the mourner should lead a part or the whole of the service. A mourner cannot have a Torah honor, however until Sheloshim is finished. Kaddish is customarily recited only 11 months. This is based on the theory that a soul that dies must pass through punishments to atone for sins in this world. The more sins, the more punishment is given out. Judaism believes, however, that the punishment can not last for more than 12 months when everyone has been punished enough and has earned Gan Eden (Heaven). Kaddish is a way we can help alleviate the punishment. We say it for 11 months because if we go longer, we would be insulting the dead by implying that they were so sinful that they needed to be punished the full 12 months! Kaddish must be recited with a minyan, 10 adult Jews. A mourner is required to attend minyan to say Kaddish as long as a Minyan is available. If there is no minyan one can study in the name of the deceased instead.
If one of the major Festivals of the year occurs during Shiva or Sheloshim, the festival interrupts the mourning and it is NOT continued after the holiday. If the death occurs on the Festival, the funereal has to wait until the intermediate days and then Shiva/Sheloshim begin when the holiday is over. If there is one hour before the holiday when mourning has occurred, than the rest of Shiva is suspended. In the case of Sukkot/Shemini Atzeret, since this is two separate holidays that occur back to back, it not only ends Shiva, but Sheloshim as well,
The exception to all of this is the rules for the death of a parent. The restrictions of music and parties continue on for the full year. This is in recognition of the deeper role a parent plays in our lives. Some will wear their torn clothing for the full 30 days rather than the usual seven days of Shiva.
As with all complicated rules of Judaism, the easiest way to answer all questions about funeral practices in Judaism is to consult your Rabbi.
25-5767: Mitzvah 59
June 4, 2007
Mitzvah 59 – It is a positive commandment that a Kohen is to defile himself for close kin (by attending to their burial)
Hafetz Hayim: As Scripture says: “for his mother, his father, and for his son and his daughter, and for his unwed sister … for her he shall defile himself. ” (Lev 21:2-3) Although a Kohen is forbidden to become ritually unclean for other dead people, for close kin, however, he has a duty to become defiled ( in attending their burial.) and he has to defile himself for his wife to whom he is married. As for his brother and sister, it applied to those from the same father. Women are not required to become defiled for close kin, but the right to do so is theirs, and they have to observe mourning. This commandment includes within it the religious duty to mourn; that all Jews have a religious obligation to mourn for each of the seven relatives mentioned above. The first day of mourning is decreed by the Torah, while the other days of mourning are by the rule of the Sages. It is in effect everywhere, in every time.
This lesson is easy and hard at the same time. On the one hand, understanding the rules of the Kohanim are easy. A Kohen is not allowed to make himself ritually impure on purpose. There are enough accidents that can happen that need to be addressed that a Kohen cannot do something that will make him ritually impure with intention. There are a few exceptions. For example, if there is an unclaimed body that is in need of burial and there is no one else to bury it, it is a mitzvah for the Kohen to bury that body.
Here we have one of the other exceptions. Ritual impurity from a dead human body is the most severe form of ritual impurity (Tumah). Only the ashes from a properly sacrificed red cow can make a person pure again. This is one of the reasons a Kohen cannot attend to the dead. It would make them impure for seven days. (Another reason is that priests in Egypt, where Israel had a lot of experience, priests dealt with the dead all the time. To prevent this kind of a death cult, Israelite priests were forbidden to take part in funeral rituals.) There has to be a major exception to these rules for the immediate family of a Kohen. It would be both cruel and inhumane to prevent a Kohen from attending to the funeral of seven close relatives. The Torah lists parents, siblings and children as six for which the Kohen may make himself ritually impure with intention. The Sages added a seventh, the spouse. The High Priest cannot make himself impure even for these since there are others in the family who could attend to the funeral beside himself. For this reason a Kohen who is sensitive to these matters will not attend a funeral where the body is present or go to a cemetery. He cannot be in any building that contains a dead body nor can he step over a body in an open place. Only for the seven relatives can he make himself impure. So much for the easy part.
From this Mitzvah, we learn, however, how everyone else is to mourn. According to the law, we are official mourners when one of the seven relatives dies. (parents, siblings, children and spouse) We are commanded to make a tear in our clothing for them, to attend to their funeral and to mourn them after the interment. The tear can be made in the shirt, coat or tie that we are wearing or on a special ribbon that we wear. For a parent, the tear is made on the left side, over the heart. For everyone else it is worn on the right side. For the seven relatives, the mourner becomes exempt from time bound positive Mitzvot while preparing for the funeral.
After the funeral, the mourner observes three set time periods. The most intense mourning is done during the first seven days after the burial. (The exception is Shabbat when no mourning is allowed). During this time a candle burns in the home where the person is observing Shiva (the seven day period is called Shiva) the person does not wear leather soled shoes, one does not put on makeup or shave, and one does not leave the house. Friends and other family members bring them food and other necessities and a service is held in the home so that the family does not have to attend synagogue. The service is held daily from the day of the funeral (counted as the first day) until the morning of the seventh day (you need only observe the first hours of the seventh day) If the seventh day is Shabbat, Shiva ends at noon on Friday. Shiva is temporarily lifted at noon on Friday so that mourners can prepare for Shabbat. Shiva is then restarted when Shabbat is over (unless Shabbat was the last day).
The second period is Sheloshim, it is a 30-day period that begins the first day of Shiva and continues after Shiva is finished. During Sheloshim, one begins to get back to work and get on with life, except that one does not attend parties with music or live music events (concerts, musicals etc). There is an exception if the mourner actually earns his or her living making music or creating parties (band leaders or caterers for example). The third period is the year that begins with the burial and ends with the first anniversary of the death. (Which may or may not be the same day.) During this time the mourner attends services daily so that Kaddish can be recited. If the mourner is able, the mourner should lead a part or the whole of the service. A mourner cannot have a Torah honor, however until Sheloshim is finished. Kaddish is customarily recited only 11 months. This is based on the theory that a soul that dies must pass through punishments to atone for sins in this world. The more sins, the more punishment is given out. Judaism believes, however, that the punishment can not last for more than 12 months when everyone has been punished enough and has earned Gan Eden (Heaven). Kaddish is a way we can help alleviate the punishment. We say it for 11 months because if we go longer, we would be insulting the dead by implying that they were so sinful that they needed to be punished the full 12 months! Kaddish must be recited with a minyan, 10 adult Jews. A mourner is required to attend minyan to say Kaddish as long as a Minyan is available. If there is no minyan one can study in the name of the deceased instead.
If one of the major Festivals of the year occurs during Shiva or Sheloshim, the festival interrupts the mourning and it is NOT continued after the holiday. If the death occurs on the Festival, the funereal has to wait until the intermediate days and then Shiva/Sheloshim begin when the holiday is over. If there is one hour before the holiday when mourning has occurred, than the rest of Shiva is suspended. In the case of Sukkot/Shemini Atzeret, since this is two separate holidays that occur back to back, it not only ends Shiva, but Sheloshim as well,
The exception to all of this is the rules for the death of a parent. The restrictions of music and parties continue on for the full year. This is in recognition of the deeper role a parent plays in our lives. Some will wear their torn clothing for the full 30 days rather than the usual seven days of Shiva.
As with all complicated rules of Judaism, the easiest way to answer all questions about funeral practices in Judaism is to consult your Rabbi.
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