13-5767 Mitzvah 43
January 29, 2007
Mitzvah 43 – It is a positive commandment to marry in order to be fruitful and multiply (have children).
Hafetz Hayyim: As it says in Scripture: “And G-d said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply’.” (Gen. 1:28) One’s intention should be the continuation of the human species. When a man is eighteen, he becomes subject to the duty of begetting children; and if he passes the age of twenty without having married, he thus transgresses and disobeys this positive commandment. If he is occupied in Torah study and he fears that the problem of earning a livelihood will interfere, he is permitted to delay – but in any event, not beyond the age of twenty-five
It applies everywhere and at every time.
I have cleaned this mitzvah up a bit. The Hafetz Hayyim notes that this Mitzvah is only for men. The mitzvah to have children is, in Jewish Law, only for men. Women were exempt, I suspect, because having children could put their lives in danger and Jewish Law could require no one, to endanger their own life. Men therefore have the obligation to have children, not women. Since a woman is needed for this Mitzvah (in fact she is indispensable for this Mitzvah) a man must be married. If a woman is not willing to help a man with this mitzvah, she should not marry him. In ancient days, her refusal would be no problem, since he could marry a second wife to bear his children. Since the year 1000 CE (and unofficially for centuries before that date) men are forbidden to have more than one wife. If she cannot or will not bear his children, they can divorce and he can try with someone else.
There is a question over whether or not the man has to divorce his wife if she cannot or will not bear children. There are some who say that the divorce, after ten years without a child, is required. Most Rabbis however are lenient in this matter since the love that the couple share is not a trifle. There are many examples in the legal literature of those who stay married even without children.
What I find even more important with this Mitzvah, however, is the time restrictions placed upon it. Rabbi Elliot Dorff, the Rector of the University of Judaism in Los Angeles has been on a long campaign to get young Jewish men and women to marry and have children earlier than they are doing it now. One of the great problems of our times is that couples are marrying later, sometimes in their mid 30’s and not having children until they are almost 40. Infertility issues are soaring and Jews are not having enough children to replace those who are dying. Our demographics are slowly shrinking since we have children when we are older and we don’t have the minimum of three children needed to replace our numbers.
Rabbi Dorff makes a strong case. The Hafetz Hayyim notes that this is a matter of the survival of the human species. Rabbi Dorff notes that it is also about the survival of the Jewish people. Young people should marry earlier and have three or more children.
I do note here that many of those who do marry later, have children quicker as well. With couples “living together” for years, when they do marry, it is often for the purpose of having children and I have noticed that many of these couples return from their honeymoon pregnant. The fact remains, however, that the best age in terms of being a good parent and fertility, is the mid twenties. I would not like to see more young couples wed at the age of 18.
L. Levitan writes:
The Rabbis, always alert to nuances in the Bible, noted that while the fifth of the Ten Commandments says “Honor your father and your mother . . .”, the subject of the mitzvah in last week’s blog says “. . . fear his mother and his father.” Why does father come first in the fifth commandment and mother come first in this week’s mitzvah? The Rabbis said that honoring one’s mother was natural but honoring one’s father was not, so father comes first in the fifth commandment. On the other hand, fearing (or standing in awe of) one’s father was natural, but not so for the mother, so mother comes first in this week’s mitzvah. I have always wondered why the Rabbis felt this way, and perhaps they have given their reasons but I am simply not familiar with them, but I remain curious about this to this day.
Rabbi Konigsburg replies: I am not comfortable with the sexism of the Rabbis in relation to this explanation. The Rabbis claim, with this explanation, that it is natural for a child to “fear” his father and “love” his mother, so that the Torah comes and teaches that we should also “fear” our mother and “love” our father. It is an interesting historical note but the fact remains that we are commanded to love, honor and fear both our parents. That is the thrust of the commandment and I am just happy that the text gives top billing one time to both parents.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
12 - 5767 Mitzvah 42
Talmidav Shel Aharon
12-5767 Mitzvah 42
January 22, 2007
Mitzvah 42 – It is a positive commandment to have a reverent fear of one’s father and mother.
Hafetz Hayyim: As it says in Scripture: “Every person shall fear his mother and his father.” (Lev. 19:3) Now, what is the reverent fear meant here? One is not to stand or sit in his (the father’s) place; he is not to contradict his words or express a deciding opinion about his words; nor is he to call him by his name either during his lifetime or after his death, but is only to say “My Father, my master”. The father and mother are both equally in importance entitled to honor and reverent fear; and Scripture equated in importance the honor and reverent fear due them with the honor and fear due the blessed G-d. If someone transgresses this and is disparaging about reverent fear for them, he disobeys a positive commandment, unless he acts by their knowledge. If a father is willing to forgo his honor, it may be overlooked.
It applies everywhere and at every time, for both men and women.
I do not like the translation of the Hebrew word “Yireh” as “fear” although that is a common translation. When it is used in a context like this, I prefer to translate it as “awe” it is true that there is a certain amount of “fear” when we are truly in “awe” of something, but it is not the same kind of fear as the Hebrew word “Pachad” implies, meaning “scared or afraid”. The Torah requires us to stand in awe of our parents, and that, I think, explains a lot about what this Mitzvah is all about.
Last time we spoke about treating our parents with respect and honor, now the Hafetz Hayyim deepens this relationship. Our parents, in this modern world, do not have the power of life and death over us any more. Perhaps we don’t look at G-d that way anymore either. Still, we need to treat our parents (and G-d too) as if that power were still in their hands. Even as an adult, we owe our parents every privilege we can muster. If our parent says this is what we should do, than we follow their command. We should not argue with them, ridicule their opinions nor treat them with any disrespect. They should be addressed as our parents, Mother and Father, and not to become too familiar with them and use any other name (unless we have “loving” names that we call them and that they prefer to hear from us). In no case is it every permissible to call them by their first name in their presence.
Note also the permission given for parents to forgo this kind of awe. If a parent chooses to have a different kind of relationship with their children, they are free to set the boundaries where they please. The children do not set this for their parents, but the parents can set this tone for the family. Jewish law recognizes that every family can be different and that a parent has the right to set the policies of the family.
I don’t think that there is anything here that would be unusual in the relationship between parents and children unless, and this is a big unless, there is something seriously wrong between them. Jewish law places the responsibility for the relationship squarely on the shoulders of the parents, they set the rules and boundaries. The children must follow those parameters. But what happens when the parents are abusive, either physically or verbally? What happens when they are not worthy of the fear and honor Jewish Law requires? A child must not obey a parent who gives a command that is illegal, immoral or against the rules of the Torah. Our obligation to G-d may be similar, but G-d is still more important than a parent. A child may not publicly insult or disobey a parent, but in private, one must take pains to explain why, what the parent is asking is impossible and what compromises must be made. If the parent insists, the child can walk away from that situation rather than court arrest or the destruction of his or her reputation. If the parent chooses to press the issue in public, other will have to rebuke the parent for their actions. This does not, however, remove the responsibility that children have to care for their parents health and welfare. Again, in cases of abuse, the child can hire others to help with this requirement, but the child can not just walk away. In cases where the relationship is extremely toxic, a Rabbi should be consulted.
These laws apply to everyone and at every time, no matter if the parent is living or dead. Our obligations to our parents never expires.
B. Horowitz and L. Levitan both refer to a point that I missed. B. Horowits writes:
Thought: Some people might wonder why G-d needed to include a commandment to honor one's parents; isn't it something we would normally do anyhow? The implication is that the command is necessary precisely because the treatment of parents often left much to be desired — so much so, in fact, that it was even necessary to offer a reward to motivate people to observe this mitzvah! - "Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your G-d has commanded you, that you may long endure, and that you may fare well, in the land that the Lord your G-d is giving you." (Deuteronomy 5:16)
However, I read that Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel turns the issue around a bit, saying: "In so many cases, it is the parents who make it impossible for the young to obey the Fifth Commandment. My message to parents is: ‘Every day ask yourselves the question: What is there about me that deserves the reverence of my child?’"
L. Levitan makes the same point noting that this is only one of three Mitzvot that promise long life for those who obey.
Rabbi Konigsburg replies: Who am I to argue with A.J. Heschel? This is a very complex Mitzvah, as complex as the relationships we have with our parents. It is so easy to say “My situation is different” and I think this is why the stakes are so high and the reward is mentioned. Yes, we do need to do more for our parents. I only think about the many who have abusive parents who come to me looking to disown their parents. So much mental illness comes from children still trying to please a parent who will never be pleased. Judaism lets us limit the damage a parent can do, but we can never turn our backs on them.
12-5767 Mitzvah 42
January 22, 2007
Mitzvah 42 – It is a positive commandment to have a reverent fear of one’s father and mother.
Hafetz Hayyim: As it says in Scripture: “Every person shall fear his mother and his father.” (Lev. 19:3) Now, what is the reverent fear meant here? One is not to stand or sit in his (the father’s) place; he is not to contradict his words or express a deciding opinion about his words; nor is he to call him by his name either during his lifetime or after his death, but is only to say “My Father, my master”. The father and mother are both equally in importance entitled to honor and reverent fear; and Scripture equated in importance the honor and reverent fear due them with the honor and fear due the blessed G-d. If someone transgresses this and is disparaging about reverent fear for them, he disobeys a positive commandment, unless he acts by their knowledge. If a father is willing to forgo his honor, it may be overlooked.
It applies everywhere and at every time, for both men and women.
I do not like the translation of the Hebrew word “Yireh” as “fear” although that is a common translation. When it is used in a context like this, I prefer to translate it as “awe” it is true that there is a certain amount of “fear” when we are truly in “awe” of something, but it is not the same kind of fear as the Hebrew word “Pachad” implies, meaning “scared or afraid”. The Torah requires us to stand in awe of our parents, and that, I think, explains a lot about what this Mitzvah is all about.
Last time we spoke about treating our parents with respect and honor, now the Hafetz Hayyim deepens this relationship. Our parents, in this modern world, do not have the power of life and death over us any more. Perhaps we don’t look at G-d that way anymore either. Still, we need to treat our parents (and G-d too) as if that power were still in their hands. Even as an adult, we owe our parents every privilege we can muster. If our parent says this is what we should do, than we follow their command. We should not argue with them, ridicule their opinions nor treat them with any disrespect. They should be addressed as our parents, Mother and Father, and not to become too familiar with them and use any other name (unless we have “loving” names that we call them and that they prefer to hear from us). In no case is it every permissible to call them by their first name in their presence.
Note also the permission given for parents to forgo this kind of awe. If a parent chooses to have a different kind of relationship with their children, they are free to set the boundaries where they please. The children do not set this for their parents, but the parents can set this tone for the family. Jewish law recognizes that every family can be different and that a parent has the right to set the policies of the family.
I don’t think that there is anything here that would be unusual in the relationship between parents and children unless, and this is a big unless, there is something seriously wrong between them. Jewish law places the responsibility for the relationship squarely on the shoulders of the parents, they set the rules and boundaries. The children must follow those parameters. But what happens when the parents are abusive, either physically or verbally? What happens when they are not worthy of the fear and honor Jewish Law requires? A child must not obey a parent who gives a command that is illegal, immoral or against the rules of the Torah. Our obligation to G-d may be similar, but G-d is still more important than a parent. A child may not publicly insult or disobey a parent, but in private, one must take pains to explain why, what the parent is asking is impossible and what compromises must be made. If the parent insists, the child can walk away from that situation rather than court arrest or the destruction of his or her reputation. If the parent chooses to press the issue in public, other will have to rebuke the parent for their actions. This does not, however, remove the responsibility that children have to care for their parents health and welfare. Again, in cases of abuse, the child can hire others to help with this requirement, but the child can not just walk away. In cases where the relationship is extremely toxic, a Rabbi should be consulted.
These laws apply to everyone and at every time, no matter if the parent is living or dead. Our obligations to our parents never expires.
B. Horowitz and L. Levitan both refer to a point that I missed. B. Horowits writes:
Thought: Some people might wonder why G-d needed to include a commandment to honor one's parents; isn't it something we would normally do anyhow? The implication is that the command is necessary precisely because the treatment of parents often left much to be desired — so much so, in fact, that it was even necessary to offer a reward to motivate people to observe this mitzvah! - "Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your G-d has commanded you, that you may long endure, and that you may fare well, in the land that the Lord your G-d is giving you." (Deuteronomy 5:16)
However, I read that Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel turns the issue around a bit, saying: "In so many cases, it is the parents who make it impossible for the young to obey the Fifth Commandment. My message to parents is: ‘Every day ask yourselves the question: What is there about me that deserves the reverence of my child?’"
L. Levitan makes the same point noting that this is only one of three Mitzvot that promise long life for those who obey.
Rabbi Konigsburg replies: Who am I to argue with A.J. Heschel? This is a very complex Mitzvah, as complex as the relationships we have with our parents. It is so easy to say “My situation is different” and I think this is why the stakes are so high and the reward is mentioned. Yes, we do need to do more for our parents. I only think about the many who have abusive parents who come to me looking to disown their parents. So much mental illness comes from children still trying to please a parent who will never be pleased. Judaism lets us limit the damage a parent can do, but we can never turn our backs on them.
Monday, January 8, 2007
11-5767 Mitzvah 41
Talmidav Shel Aharon
11-5767 Mitzvah 41
January 8, 2007
Mitzvah 41 – It is a positive commandment to respect one’s father and mother.
Hafetz Hayyim: As it says in Scripture: “Honor your father and mother.” (Ex. 20:12)Now, what is the honor meant here? One is to provide food and drink and clothing, out of the father’s money. But if the father has no money and the son does, the son is compelled to sustain his father according to his means. And he is to attend upon his parents in the way that a bondservant attends upon his master. He is to honor his father even after his death.
If one’s father tells him, “get me water to drink,” and there is some other religious duty for him to do; if that duty can be done by someone else, he should occupy himself with honoring his father, but if that duty cannot be done by someone else, he is to carry it out. It is quite a different matter, though, if his father tells him to commit a sin, even if it is a misdeed only by the law of the Sages, he is not to listen to him: for all have the duty of honoring the blessed G-d.
Honoring one’s father takes precedence over honoring his mother since both he and his mother are obligated to honor his father. If anyone slights the honor of his father or mother, he disobeys this positive commandment, unless he acts with their knowledge and consent. A woman also bears this obligation; but what her husband prevents her from doing in this regard, she is free of doing.
It applies everywhere and always.
There are two very different topics that have to be discussed here. The first is the limits of this Mitzvah, and the second is the obvious sexism inherent in the Hafetz Hayyim.
We have a responsibility to honor our parents that is eternal. It applies to every person from the day they are born (actually, it is from the day they achieve legal age, Bar or Bat Mitzvah) until the day we die. It is an obligation that exists even after our parents are dead. A woman came to the Sages complaining that her son, the Rabbi, honored her too much. He would bend over and have her step on his back when she got out of bed and she would often walk on his hands lest her feet get dirty. The Sages were not impressed, even that, they declared, that even if he had done a thousand times more it was not too much honor for a mother. Another woman came and complained that her son, the Rabbi, who was one of the senior members of the high court, did not honor her enough. The sages went pale that such a thing by this Rabbi was possible and they asked her, what has he done? She replied, “He is such an honored Sage that I want to wash his feet and drink the water I have used to wash them and he will not permit me to do it.” The Sages rebuked the Rabbi and said that if this is how the mother wishes to act, he must not even then, no fulfill her wishes. These two stories may or may not be true but they make the point clearly, there is no end to the obligation to honor parents. In fact many Rabbis claim that the reason there is not a blessing for showing honor to parents is that the honor never ends so it never permits us to say that we have fulfilled it.
And there are no exceptions. If parents are abusive, one still has this obligation. If one is a convert and no longer keeps the faith of their parents, they still have the obligation to honor them unless, as the Hafetz Hayyim notes, they forbid one to fulfill Jewish Law or to do something that is sinful. In severe cases, where the presence of the parents would be damaging or excessively painful, then someone else can be hired to take care of them and the child can fulfill the honor due from a safe distance. One does not, therefore, have to submit to verbal or physical abuse from a parent, but that does not relive one of the obligation to care for them in their old age and make sure that they are physically safe and cared for. No matter how estranged we may be from our parents, we need to assist with their burial when they have died. Except as necessary, we cannot speak critically of them to others.
I cannot tell you how difficult this is for some whose parent is not worthy of the love that other parents may deserve. In fact, there is a great amount of mental illness in this world due to some who wish to honor parents who do not deserve such honor. One sage has a mother who was verbally abusive and he never rebuked her, except when they were in public, he might say to her, “That is enough mother” Even if a parent were to teach something wrong, one must not correct them, only to call their attention to something that will help them learn the matter correctly. If parents are destitute, we must pay for their needs from our own pocket, and if we don’t have the means to do so, the Sages insist that we must go begging door to door, and not allow them to beg themselves.
As we can see, this is a huge obligation. In cases where one feels that, due to circumstances, it is impossible to honor one’s parents, such a person should go to their Rabbi for advice and guidance on how to properly honor parents in such a difficult case.
The second part of our Mitzvah has to do with honoring the father before the mother and the mother’s obligations to the father. Clearly we have here an example of how times have changed from the Hafetz Hayyim’s time until our own. Parenthood is now a partnership, not a hierarchy. The principles of equality and the teachings of Conservative Judaism insist that both parents are equal in the family and children have equal obligations to both.
Lee Levitan writes: Regarding your January 1 divrei Torah on Mitzvah 39-40, this might be a nice opportunity to remind the congregation that Kol Nidre does not absolve one from vows that involve others, for which one remains responsible, but rather only for vows that involve only oneself or oneself and God.Rabbi Konigsburg replies: You are correct. Kol Nidre is about promises to G-d. If we have made promises to others that we have not fulfilled, we need to ask forgiveness from that person directly before we ask G-d to be forgiven. If that person turns us down three times, saying that we will “never” be forgiven, than we have fulfilled the duty to ask and we can then seek forgiveness from G-d. We cannot ask G-d to forgive us if we have not first asked others we may have harmed, for forgiveness. Also, we must be quick to forgive others who may have offended us.
11-5767 Mitzvah 41
January 8, 2007
Mitzvah 41 – It is a positive commandment to respect one’s father and mother.
Hafetz Hayyim: As it says in Scripture: “Honor your father and mother.” (Ex. 20:12)Now, what is the honor meant here? One is to provide food and drink and clothing, out of the father’s money. But if the father has no money and the son does, the son is compelled to sustain his father according to his means. And he is to attend upon his parents in the way that a bondservant attends upon his master. He is to honor his father even after his death.
If one’s father tells him, “get me water to drink,” and there is some other religious duty for him to do; if that duty can be done by someone else, he should occupy himself with honoring his father, but if that duty cannot be done by someone else, he is to carry it out. It is quite a different matter, though, if his father tells him to commit a sin, even if it is a misdeed only by the law of the Sages, he is not to listen to him: for all have the duty of honoring the blessed G-d.
Honoring one’s father takes precedence over honoring his mother since both he and his mother are obligated to honor his father. If anyone slights the honor of his father or mother, he disobeys this positive commandment, unless he acts with their knowledge and consent. A woman also bears this obligation; but what her husband prevents her from doing in this regard, she is free of doing.
It applies everywhere and always.
There are two very different topics that have to be discussed here. The first is the limits of this Mitzvah, and the second is the obvious sexism inherent in the Hafetz Hayyim.
We have a responsibility to honor our parents that is eternal. It applies to every person from the day they are born (actually, it is from the day they achieve legal age, Bar or Bat Mitzvah) until the day we die. It is an obligation that exists even after our parents are dead. A woman came to the Sages complaining that her son, the Rabbi, honored her too much. He would bend over and have her step on his back when she got out of bed and she would often walk on his hands lest her feet get dirty. The Sages were not impressed, even that, they declared, that even if he had done a thousand times more it was not too much honor for a mother. Another woman came and complained that her son, the Rabbi, who was one of the senior members of the high court, did not honor her enough. The sages went pale that such a thing by this Rabbi was possible and they asked her, what has he done? She replied, “He is such an honored Sage that I want to wash his feet and drink the water I have used to wash them and he will not permit me to do it.” The Sages rebuked the Rabbi and said that if this is how the mother wishes to act, he must not even then, no fulfill her wishes. These two stories may or may not be true but they make the point clearly, there is no end to the obligation to honor parents. In fact many Rabbis claim that the reason there is not a blessing for showing honor to parents is that the honor never ends so it never permits us to say that we have fulfilled it.
And there are no exceptions. If parents are abusive, one still has this obligation. If one is a convert and no longer keeps the faith of their parents, they still have the obligation to honor them unless, as the Hafetz Hayyim notes, they forbid one to fulfill Jewish Law or to do something that is sinful. In severe cases, where the presence of the parents would be damaging or excessively painful, then someone else can be hired to take care of them and the child can fulfill the honor due from a safe distance. One does not, therefore, have to submit to verbal or physical abuse from a parent, but that does not relive one of the obligation to care for them in their old age and make sure that they are physically safe and cared for. No matter how estranged we may be from our parents, we need to assist with their burial when they have died. Except as necessary, we cannot speak critically of them to others.
I cannot tell you how difficult this is for some whose parent is not worthy of the love that other parents may deserve. In fact, there is a great amount of mental illness in this world due to some who wish to honor parents who do not deserve such honor. One sage has a mother who was verbally abusive and he never rebuked her, except when they were in public, he might say to her, “That is enough mother” Even if a parent were to teach something wrong, one must not correct them, only to call their attention to something that will help them learn the matter correctly. If parents are destitute, we must pay for their needs from our own pocket, and if we don’t have the means to do so, the Sages insist that we must go begging door to door, and not allow them to beg themselves.
As we can see, this is a huge obligation. In cases where one feels that, due to circumstances, it is impossible to honor one’s parents, such a person should go to their Rabbi for advice and guidance on how to properly honor parents in such a difficult case.
The second part of our Mitzvah has to do with honoring the father before the mother and the mother’s obligations to the father. Clearly we have here an example of how times have changed from the Hafetz Hayyim’s time until our own. Parenthood is now a partnership, not a hierarchy. The principles of equality and the teachings of Conservative Judaism insist that both parents are equal in the family and children have equal obligations to both.
Lee Levitan writes: Regarding your January 1 divrei Torah on Mitzvah 39-40, this might be a nice opportunity to remind the congregation that Kol Nidre does not absolve one from vows that involve others, for which one remains responsible, but rather only for vows that involve only oneself or oneself and God.Rabbi Konigsburg replies: You are correct. Kol Nidre is about promises to G-d. If we have made promises to others that we have not fulfilled, we need to ask forgiveness from that person directly before we ask G-d to be forgiven. If that person turns us down three times, saying that we will “never” be forgiven, than we have fulfilled the duty to ask and we can then seek forgiveness from G-d. We cannot ask G-d to forgive us if we have not first asked others we may have harmed, for forgiveness. Also, we must be quick to forgive others who may have offended us.
Monday, January 1, 2007
10-5767 Mitzvah 39-40
Talmidav Shel Aharon
10-5767 Mitzvah 39-40
January 1, 2007
Mitzvah 39 – It is a positive commandment to fulfill the words that come from one’s lips – whatever one takes upon himself by a vow or oath.
Hafetz Hayyim: As it says in Scripture: “Whatever has passed your lops you shall keep and do, as you have vowed.” (Deut. 23:24) and if further says “He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth (Num. 30:3)
This is in effect at all times and it every place for men and for women.
Mitzvah 40 – It is a positive commandment to deal with cases of nullifying vows and oaths.
Hafetz Hayyim: As Scripture says, “when a man vows a vow to Hashem etc. (Num 30:3) This means that if the one who made the vow regrets it and is sorry for what has happened, he is to come to an expert scholar or to three ordinary persons if there is no learned expert there; and he says, “I swore or vowed about this-and-that and I have come to regret it. Had I know that I would suffer about the matter to such an extent or that this would happen to me, I would not have taken the vow or the oath.” Then the scholar or the three ordinary men tell him, “Have you already been sorry for it?” Whereupon he answers, “yes.” At that they say to him, “It is allowed for you.” Or “it is forgiven you” or “it is permissible for you”. It is in effect everywhere and always.
If these Mitzvot seem strange and foreign, it is more a function of modern society than the Torah or the Hafetz Hayyim. We don’t put much stock in words, vows or oaths these days. As the proverb says, “A verbal promise is not worth the paper it is printed on.” I have spoken in synagogue many times about this. We are so numbed by movies and the news of people who make promises and then break them, stranding or impoverishing hundreds of people, that we don’t trust anyone with their word. In ancient times, however, words meant a lot and a vow or oath taken in public, was as strong a bond as a written contract. There are still people today who fulfill their word even if it means a loss for them, but most people make big promises but later ask us to forgive them and release them from their oath.
Jewish Law is telling us two different, but related lessons. On the one hand, we should be prepared to follow through on our word. If we make a promise, vow or oath, we should not delay to fulfill it. If we borrow money and tell our friend, “I will pay you back tomorrow”, Than the repayment should be as early as possible in the day. If we promise to deliver merchandise or pick some one up at a certain time, we need to be there when we promise. If we are unsure of the time or the conditions, we should say it to our friends and associates up front, and not expect them to be patient with understanding or with us. Our word must be true.
On the other hand, when someone else makes a promise and we know that they can not keep it, or if a person makes a promise and we can clearly see that it was a big mistake and they are hurting because of it, we should be the ones forgiving and understanding. We should never force someone to hold to an oath if we know that they regret it. We should look for a way to get them off the hook with us without embarrassment or humiliation. This does not mean that we should look the other way when a merchant tries the “bait and switch” scam. It applies to those whom we know personally and who may, at some future time, need to be understanding with us as we were with them.
According to these Mitzvot, a merchant or businessperson who follows the sage advice to “promise little and deliver much” will not only be successful in their occupation but will be fulfilling the words of Torah as well. On the other hand, once we gain a reputation with others, (including, or maybe especially our children), that we do not fulfill our words, we can expect back much the same as we have delivered, we will be labeled as “untrustworthy” and we will have to do a tremendous amount of work to regain our good name.
This applies at all times and in every situation. It applies to our marriage, to our children, to our business, to our recreational activities and to our charitable works. We are wise to follow the advice of Pirke Avot, where the sage, Shammai says, “Say little and do much!”
Marjut Herzog asks: There are people who stand on the same corner for months, years even, asking for money. If one drives by every day should one give daily? Rabbi Konigsburg replies: While it is a Mitzvah to give Tzedakah, we always have a choice as to whom we will give. If you want to give to the same people every day, than you may. If you only want to give to them once a week or once a month, you can do that as well. If you do not feel that they are worthy of your contribution, either because they are not really needy or because they do well enough on that corner without your support, you can direct your contributions to the places where you fell it will do the most good. If you think there is no one in your family who is in need, you can give to someone in the community, if you feel that the community has supported the needy, you may direct your monies to other, more distant charities. You can give a proportion of your contributions to each category according to how you feel about their needs and your abilities.
10-5767 Mitzvah 39-40
January 1, 2007
Mitzvah 39 – It is a positive commandment to fulfill the words that come from one’s lips – whatever one takes upon himself by a vow or oath.
Hafetz Hayyim: As it says in Scripture: “Whatever has passed your lops you shall keep and do, as you have vowed.” (Deut. 23:24) and if further says “He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth (Num. 30:3)
This is in effect at all times and it every place for men and for women.
Mitzvah 40 – It is a positive commandment to deal with cases of nullifying vows and oaths.
Hafetz Hayyim: As Scripture says, “when a man vows a vow to Hashem etc. (Num 30:3) This means that if the one who made the vow regrets it and is sorry for what has happened, he is to come to an expert scholar or to three ordinary persons if there is no learned expert there; and he says, “I swore or vowed about this-and-that and I have come to regret it. Had I know that I would suffer about the matter to such an extent or that this would happen to me, I would not have taken the vow or the oath.” Then the scholar or the three ordinary men tell him, “Have you already been sorry for it?” Whereupon he answers, “yes.” At that they say to him, “It is allowed for you.” Or “it is forgiven you” or “it is permissible for you”. It is in effect everywhere and always.
If these Mitzvot seem strange and foreign, it is more a function of modern society than the Torah or the Hafetz Hayyim. We don’t put much stock in words, vows or oaths these days. As the proverb says, “A verbal promise is not worth the paper it is printed on.” I have spoken in synagogue many times about this. We are so numbed by movies and the news of people who make promises and then break them, stranding or impoverishing hundreds of people, that we don’t trust anyone with their word. In ancient times, however, words meant a lot and a vow or oath taken in public, was as strong a bond as a written contract. There are still people today who fulfill their word even if it means a loss for them, but most people make big promises but later ask us to forgive them and release them from their oath.
Jewish Law is telling us two different, but related lessons. On the one hand, we should be prepared to follow through on our word. If we make a promise, vow or oath, we should not delay to fulfill it. If we borrow money and tell our friend, “I will pay you back tomorrow”, Than the repayment should be as early as possible in the day. If we promise to deliver merchandise or pick some one up at a certain time, we need to be there when we promise. If we are unsure of the time or the conditions, we should say it to our friends and associates up front, and not expect them to be patient with understanding or with us. Our word must be true.
On the other hand, when someone else makes a promise and we know that they can not keep it, or if a person makes a promise and we can clearly see that it was a big mistake and they are hurting because of it, we should be the ones forgiving and understanding. We should never force someone to hold to an oath if we know that they regret it. We should look for a way to get them off the hook with us without embarrassment or humiliation. This does not mean that we should look the other way when a merchant tries the “bait and switch” scam. It applies to those whom we know personally and who may, at some future time, need to be understanding with us as we were with them.
According to these Mitzvot, a merchant or businessperson who follows the sage advice to “promise little and deliver much” will not only be successful in their occupation but will be fulfilling the words of Torah as well. On the other hand, once we gain a reputation with others, (including, or maybe especially our children), that we do not fulfill our words, we can expect back much the same as we have delivered, we will be labeled as “untrustworthy” and we will have to do a tremendous amount of work to regain our good name.
This applies at all times and in every situation. It applies to our marriage, to our children, to our business, to our recreational activities and to our charitable works. We are wise to follow the advice of Pirke Avot, where the sage, Shammai says, “Say little and do much!”
Marjut Herzog asks: There are people who stand on the same corner for months, years even, asking for money. If one drives by every day should one give daily? Rabbi Konigsburg replies: While it is a Mitzvah to give Tzedakah, we always have a choice as to whom we will give. If you want to give to the same people every day, than you may. If you only want to give to them once a week or once a month, you can do that as well. If you do not feel that they are worthy of your contribution, either because they are not really needy or because they do well enough on that corner without your support, you can direct your contributions to the places where you fell it will do the most good. If you think there is no one in your family who is in need, you can give to someone in the community, if you feel that the community has supported the needy, you may direct your monies to other, more distant charities. You can give a proportion of your contributions to each category according to how you feel about their needs and your abilities.
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