Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 30, 2004 - Number 5764-36
Wedding 5 - The Wedding Ceremony- Part II
We are now ready for the part of the service called Nisuin, the actual wedding itself. As I mentioned last week in #5764-35, There are three ways that the Sages said a person can become married. As part of this ceremony, we will see all three.
First, and article of value will be exchanged. This is usually the ring. Remember that it must have the minimum value of the smallest coin, it must have a value that is easy to ascertain, (without holes in the band and without stones set in the band) and it must belong to the groom). Since this is the first way a person gets married, it is also the one that, for all intents and purposes, is the way Jews get married. The groom places the ring on the index finger of the right hand of the bride so all can see that he has placed it there (she can move it to another finger later, right now it just has to go over the first knuckle). The groom makes a formal declaration to the bride, in Hebrew and in English. "With this ring you are sanctified to me as my wife in accordance with the law of Moses and the People Israel." Whenever a man gives an item of value to a woman and recites this passage in front of two kosher witnesses, that man and woman are married. This is not a passage to play around with. Any man of legal age (that is over age 13 in Jewish Law) is married when he recites this line, even if it is in rehearsal or as an educational enactment. We do not fool around with this because it will require a Jewish Divorce before either party can remarry. It may effect who they can marry later too. We do not play around with this part of the ceremony.
If the bride will be presenting a ring to the groom, she will present it now. There are some who do not permit double ring ceremonies, there is a claim that it nullifies the presentation of the groom. I and many other rabbis do not hold by this but you should check with the Rabbi who is doing the ceremony to insure that there will not be a problem. Some Rabbis, in an effort to be equal, will have the bride recite the female equivalent of the passage recited by the groom. Others will have her recite a verse from some other part of the Bible. The verse from Shir HaShirim, The Song of Songs, that reads, "I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me." is a popular verse for the bride to recite. Jewish Weddings do not have "vows" in the usual sense of the word. The Ketubah spells out the obligations that each party has agreed to so "vows" are unnecessary. Vows can be added, and if they are, they are added before the ring ceremony. The couple can write their own vows or the Rabbi can pronounce them. There is not reason that they should not be egalitarian in nature.
The next step is the reading of the Ketubah. This is the "Shtar" portion of the service. The Wedding Contract is read, first in its original Aramaic, and then the English is read. Since the Aramaic reads like an insurance policy, the English often takes a great deal of poetic license, adding the flowery language that a wedding deserves. After the Rabbi reads the Ketubah and certain that it has been witnessed properly, the Rabbi hands the Ketubah to the groom who then hands it to his bride. Just as with the rings, all she needs to do is accept it from his hand and not reject it and it effects the marriage.
The bride must keep the Ketubah in her home as long as they are married. It is the contract of their marriage. Often a couple will frame it and place it on the wall of their home. Some will make a copy to be placed in their safe deposit box. The original should remain in the home. Without a Ketubah, the Rabbis say a couple can not live together, so this is a rather important document to have around. Since the Ketubah grants rights to the bride, the contract is considered her property.
Next week: Wedding 6: The Wedding Ceremony-Part III - The Sheva Berachot
Monday, August 30, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
HMS 5764-35; Wedding 4 - The Wedding Ceremony- Part I
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 23, 2004- Number 5764-35
Wedding 4 - The Wedding Ceremony- Part I
Prior to the wedding ceremony, the couple, the Rabbi and two witnesses gather together to begin the formal preparations for the wedding. Judaism does not hold by the superstition that a groom should not see the bride until she walks down the aisle. In some places, there are special celebrations for the bride and groom, with the women attending the celebration for the bride and the men attending the celebration for the groom. The two celebrations then come together for the formal signing of the ketubah. In ancient times, contracts were not signed by the parties to the contract, but by witnesses who affirmed that the two people had indeed entered into an agreement. It is therefore not necessary for the bride and groom to sign the Ketubah, but there must be two witnesses who are not related to either party who must sign for the Ketubah to be valid. In the United States, the civil marriage licence is signed at this time as well. The groom then is given a handkerchief by the Rabbi signifying his acceptance of the terms of the Ketubah. The Bride will signal her acceptance later.
The rings that will be used for the ceremony will then be examined to insure that they are proper for the wedding. The rings used for the ceremony must have three qualifications. It must have a minimum value. It must be worth at least the amount of the smallest coin in use. By size, this means it must be worth a dime! Second, it must have a value that is easy to ascertain. It must be of a metal that is valued by weight (gold or platinum are common) and can have no stones set in it ( because a gem must be valued by an appraiser and thus the value is not easy to ascertain) or any holes in the band (lest it look like a big ring but it is really mostly air). Third, the ring must belong to the groom. He can not give the bride a ring that belongs to someone else. If the couple want to use a ring that has significance to the family ( a family heirloom) it must be sold to the groom prior to the wedding. It can not be given as a gift. A gift, in Judaism can be returned upon the request of the benefactor, but an item sold is not subject to this kind of return.
The groom then places the veil on his bride. It is the custom that this be done by the groom since the days of Jacob and Lavan, in the Torah. Lavan, Jacob’s father-in-law to be, was supposed to let Jacob marry Rachel, but he swapped Rachel for her sister Leah and because of the veil, Jacob did not discover the switch until morning. Since that time the groom puts the veil on his bride to make sure he is marrying the right sister! It is not time for the wedding ceremony and the bride and groom go to the huppah with much singing and celebration.
In the United States, there is a formal wedding procession but this is not the Jewish practice. In most places the entire wedding party accompanies both the bride and groom to the huppah. The Huppah is a small covered "tent like" structure that symbolizes the home that is being founded this day. When a wedding is held outside, it marks off the location of the wedding from the surrounding area. It can be made of most any material and can be held up by friends or be free standing. It can be set up almost anywhere except a few places where one wouldn’t want to be married anyway (bathroom, cemetery. etc.) There is a custom that the groom wear a "kittel" a white garment that reminds us of Yom Kippur. Often the Groom will also wear a tallit. It is the groom who escorts his bride under the Huppah so if the parents of the groom wish to walk the bride to the Huppah, they meet the groom on the way and so she leaves her parents and accompanies the groom to the Huppah.
I have found no legal basis for the bride or groom to circle the other prior to the ceremony. The reasons that are given are custom and there is little agreement as to why this custom is done. I can only assume that this is a remnant of an old superstition relating to magic circles. There is thus no reason for the circling. Most of the reasons given today are misogynist in extreme. While it is not forbidden, I don’t encourage it.
The bride and groom, once they arrive under the Huppah are welcomed with the standard greeting for all such happy occasions (like a brit milah or pidyon haben) with "Baruch HaBah - Blessed are you who have come." If the wedding is taking place in a synagogue, we add, "We bless you from this House of G-d" the Rabbi takes the first cup of wine and pronounces the blessing of Arusin, the formal engagement blessing. We talked about Arusin last week (#5764-34) and we mentioned that once this blessing was done a year in advance of the wedding but now it is part of the wedding service. After the blessing, the bride and groom drink the first cup of wine. (The wine must be Kosher and it must be grape wine lest the blessings be in vain. It does not matter if the wine is sweet or dry, white or rose or red)
Next week: Wedding 5: The Wedding Ceremony-Part II
August 23, 2004- Number 5764-35
Wedding 4 - The Wedding Ceremony- Part I
Prior to the wedding ceremony, the couple, the Rabbi and two witnesses gather together to begin the formal preparations for the wedding. Judaism does not hold by the superstition that a groom should not see the bride until she walks down the aisle. In some places, there are special celebrations for the bride and groom, with the women attending the celebration for the bride and the men attending the celebration for the groom. The two celebrations then come together for the formal signing of the ketubah. In ancient times, contracts were not signed by the parties to the contract, but by witnesses who affirmed that the two people had indeed entered into an agreement. It is therefore not necessary for the bride and groom to sign the Ketubah, but there must be two witnesses who are not related to either party who must sign for the Ketubah to be valid. In the United States, the civil marriage licence is signed at this time as well. The groom then is given a handkerchief by the Rabbi signifying his acceptance of the terms of the Ketubah. The Bride will signal her acceptance later.
The rings that will be used for the ceremony will then be examined to insure that they are proper for the wedding. The rings used for the ceremony must have three qualifications. It must have a minimum value. It must be worth at least the amount of the smallest coin in use. By size, this means it must be worth a dime! Second, it must have a value that is easy to ascertain. It must be of a metal that is valued by weight (gold or platinum are common) and can have no stones set in it ( because a gem must be valued by an appraiser and thus the value is not easy to ascertain) or any holes in the band (lest it look like a big ring but it is really mostly air). Third, the ring must belong to the groom. He can not give the bride a ring that belongs to someone else. If the couple want to use a ring that has significance to the family ( a family heirloom) it must be sold to the groom prior to the wedding. It can not be given as a gift. A gift, in Judaism can be returned upon the request of the benefactor, but an item sold is not subject to this kind of return.
The groom then places the veil on his bride. It is the custom that this be done by the groom since the days of Jacob and Lavan, in the Torah. Lavan, Jacob’s father-in-law to be, was supposed to let Jacob marry Rachel, but he swapped Rachel for her sister Leah and because of the veil, Jacob did not discover the switch until morning. Since that time the groom puts the veil on his bride to make sure he is marrying the right sister! It is not time for the wedding ceremony and the bride and groom go to the huppah with much singing and celebration.
In the United States, there is a formal wedding procession but this is not the Jewish practice. In most places the entire wedding party accompanies both the bride and groom to the huppah. The Huppah is a small covered "tent like" structure that symbolizes the home that is being founded this day. When a wedding is held outside, it marks off the location of the wedding from the surrounding area. It can be made of most any material and can be held up by friends or be free standing. It can be set up almost anywhere except a few places where one wouldn’t want to be married anyway (bathroom, cemetery. etc.) There is a custom that the groom wear a "kittel" a white garment that reminds us of Yom Kippur. Often the Groom will also wear a tallit. It is the groom who escorts his bride under the Huppah so if the parents of the groom wish to walk the bride to the Huppah, they meet the groom on the way and so she leaves her parents and accompanies the groom to the Huppah.
I have found no legal basis for the bride or groom to circle the other prior to the ceremony. The reasons that are given are custom and there is little agreement as to why this custom is done. I can only assume that this is a remnant of an old superstition relating to magic circles. There is thus no reason for the circling. Most of the reasons given today are misogynist in extreme. While it is not forbidden, I don’t encourage it.
The bride and groom, once they arrive under the Huppah are welcomed with the standard greeting for all such happy occasions (like a brit milah or pidyon haben) with "Baruch HaBah - Blessed are you who have come." If the wedding is taking place in a synagogue, we add, "We bless you from this House of G-d" the Rabbi takes the first cup of wine and pronounces the blessing of Arusin, the formal engagement blessing. We talked about Arusin last week (#5764-34) and we mentioned that once this blessing was done a year in advance of the wedding but now it is part of the wedding service. After the blessing, the bride and groom drink the first cup of wine. (The wine must be Kosher and it must be grape wine lest the blessings be in vain. It does not matter if the wine is sweet or dry, white or rose or red)
Next week: Wedding 5: The Wedding Ceremony-Part II
Monday, August 16, 2004
HMS 5764-34; Wedding 3 - The Ketubah
Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg
August 16, 2004 - Number 5764-34
Wedding 3 - The Ketubah
Since Weddings are not part of the Torah, the Talmud picks up where the Torah is silent. According to the Rabbis of the Talmud, a man "acquires" a wife in one of three ways: With "Kesef", By "Shtar" or with "Bi-ah". The term "Kesef" means "money". By giving a woman a gift that has a value, the man and woman are married. Today this is accomplished when the man gives the woman a ring.
"Shtar" means "contract" a man and woman are married when a man hands the woman a contract that provides some monetary security. Today, this contract is called a "Ketubah".
"Bi-ah" refers to sexual intimacy. When a man and woman initiate a sexual relationship with marriage in mind, and two witnesses see them go into a room and spend time there alone. This also constitutes a marriage. The Sages admitted that this was a legal marriage, but they promised to flog any man who would take a wife this way. It was undignified for both parties and left the woman unprotected if the man wanted a divorce.
The origin of the Ketubah is in a simple financial arrangement. The price a man had to pay his future father-in-law became so high that the Rabbis were concerned that men would no longer marry. To relive this situation, the Sages ruled that the man could issue a "promissary note" for the amount of money (in ancient days, it was 200 zuzim, a great sum of money since you only need 2 zuzim for one goat) the man promised to pay the 200 zuzim if he were to predecease his wife or if he were to divorce her. This money represented a first mortgage on all his property and was actually paid in land. It was the first claim on his estate after he had died and secured the position of the widow so she would not fall into poverty.
Today we are used to seeing the Ketubah as a work of art, often commissioned especially for the wedding. We hear all kinds of beautiful language read at the wedding, but what we hear at a wedding in English has little relationship to the Aramaic text of the Ketubah. Since ancient days, the wording of the Ketubah reads, literally, like an insurance policy, because that is what it, in effect, really is. It is not romantic at all, rather is spells out the financial relationship between the husband and wife. At the wedding he signs the document and it is witnessed by two who are unrelated to either the bride or the groom, and then the groom hands the document to the bride under the Huppah. When she accepts it from his hand, they have been married according to the second definition of a wedding as described above.
While there is a custom in the Western Hemisphere, for the groom not to see the bride before the wedding, this is really just an old superstition. In a Jewish wedding the groom must see the bride before the wedding and usually it is right after the Ketubah is signed. Today, the Ketubah is signed by both the bride and the groom.
In the middle of the last century, the Conservative Movement added a clause to the Ketubah to help ease the plight of those who were stuck in a marriage when their partner refused to grant them a divorce. Sometimes there would be cases of extortion and pure greed that prevented a couple from ending a bad marriage. Without a proper Jewish Divorce, neither party could ever remarry. This clause in the Ketubah, called the "Liberman clause" after Rabbi Saul Liberman, a great Talmudic authority at the Jewish Theological Seminary in New York. It had both bride and groom promise to arbitrate and disputes in their marriage before a Rabbinical court and abide by its decision. It’s use has waned in recent years because of other remedies for divorce that have become popular that don’t cause one to think about divorce on the wedding day.
While the standard amount of a Ketubah is still 200 zuzim (today it is only a symbolic amount. A zuz no longer buys what it used to.) The Sephardim often put large sums of real money into their Ketubot as a sign of the love and affection for the bride. Conservative Judaism has not adopted this practice as it only complicates things should the relationship ever end up in divorce. It may seem strange that much of the wedding rituals also relate to divorce rituals as well, but the Rabbis did not create a wedding without creating a way out of marriage. Divorce is possible by Torah Law, and the Sages had to establish those rituals as well. They saw Divorce as "undoing" a marriage. So the two rituals are closely related. The Ketubah, the document of marriage, is nullified only by the Get, the Jewish document of divorce.
Next week: Wedding 4: The Wedding Ceremony
August 16, 2004 - Number 5764-34
Wedding 3 - The Ketubah
Since Weddings are not part of the Torah, the Talmud picks up where the Torah is silent. According to the Rabbis of the Talmud, a man "acquires" a wife in one of three ways: With "Kesef", By "Shtar" or with "Bi-ah". The term "Kesef" means "money". By giving a woman a gift that has a value, the man and woman are married. Today this is accomplished when the man gives the woman a ring.
"Shtar" means "contract" a man and woman are married when a man hands the woman a contract that provides some monetary security. Today, this contract is called a "Ketubah".
"Bi-ah" refers to sexual intimacy. When a man and woman initiate a sexual relationship with marriage in mind, and two witnesses see them go into a room and spend time there alone. This also constitutes a marriage. The Sages admitted that this was a legal marriage, but they promised to flog any man who would take a wife this way. It was undignified for both parties and left the woman unprotected if the man wanted a divorce.
The origin of the Ketubah is in a simple financial arrangement. The price a man had to pay his future father-in-law became so high that the Rabbis were concerned that men would no longer marry. To relive this situation, the Sages ruled that the man could issue a "promissary note" for the amount of money (in ancient days, it was 200 zuzim, a great sum of money since you only need 2 zuzim for one goat) the man promised to pay the 200 zuzim if he were to predecease his wife or if he were to divorce her. This money represented a first mortgage on all his property and was actually paid in land. It was the first claim on his estate after he had died and secured the position of the widow so she would not fall into poverty.
Today we are used to seeing the Ketubah as a work of art, often commissioned especially for the wedding. We hear all kinds of beautiful language read at the wedding, but what we hear at a wedding in English has little relationship to the Aramaic text of the Ketubah. Since ancient days, the wording of the Ketubah reads, literally, like an insurance policy, because that is what it, in effect, really is. It is not romantic at all, rather is spells out the financial relationship between the husband and wife. At the wedding he signs the document and it is witnessed by two who are unrelated to either the bride or the groom, and then the groom hands the document to the bride under the Huppah. When she accepts it from his hand, they have been married according to the second definition of a wedding as described above.
While there is a custom in the Western Hemisphere, for the groom not to see the bride before the wedding, this is really just an old superstition. In a Jewish wedding the groom must see the bride before the wedding and usually it is right after the Ketubah is signed. Today, the Ketubah is signed by both the bride and the groom.
In the middle of the last century, the Conservative Movement added a clause to the Ketubah to help ease the plight of those who were stuck in a marriage when their partner refused to grant them a divorce. Sometimes there would be cases of extortion and pure greed that prevented a couple from ending a bad marriage. Without a proper Jewish Divorce, neither party could ever remarry. This clause in the Ketubah, called the "Liberman clause" after Rabbi Saul Liberman, a great Talmudic authority at the Jewish Theological Seminary in New York. It had both bride and groom promise to arbitrate and disputes in their marriage before a Rabbinical court and abide by its decision. It’s use has waned in recent years because of other remedies for divorce that have become popular that don’t cause one to think about divorce on the wedding day.
While the standard amount of a Ketubah is still 200 zuzim (today it is only a symbolic amount. A zuz no longer buys what it used to.) The Sephardim often put large sums of real money into their Ketubot as a sign of the love and affection for the bride. Conservative Judaism has not adopted this practice as it only complicates things should the relationship ever end up in divorce. It may seem strange that much of the wedding rituals also relate to divorce rituals as well, but the Rabbis did not create a wedding without creating a way out of marriage. Divorce is possible by Torah Law, and the Sages had to establish those rituals as well. They saw Divorce as "undoing" a marriage. So the two rituals are closely related. The Ketubah, the document of marriage, is nullified only by the Get, the Jewish document of divorce.
Next week: Wedding 4: The Wedding Ceremony
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