10-5769: Mitzvah N-46

Talmidav Shel Aharon
10-5769: Mitzvah N-46
March 15, 2009

Negative Mitzvah 45 – This is a negative commandment: Do not curse your father or your mother
Hafetz Hayim: This prohibition is derived from the verse, “And he who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death” (Exodus 21:17). If one cursed his father by the Divine name, he would deserve death by stoning, and this even if he cursed his parents using the Divine name after their death. If he cursed them with a substitute Divine name, he should receive whiplashes. One should not impose an oath on his father that contains an imprecation; nor should he be the emissary of a religious court to excommunicate him. It is forbidden to disgrace them; for whoever disgraces his father or his mother, even by a hint, is accursed by the word of the Almighty, since Scripture says, “Cursed be he who dishonors his father or his mother” (Deut. 27:16). This applies in every place and time, for both man and woman.

I think the basic idea is clear, we are forbidden to say or do anything that will bring dishonor to our parents. We can’t curse them, with or without the Divine name. We can’t be sent by a court to serve them with a lawsuit, to bring them a judgment in a case or bring them a ruling of excommunication. We are not allowed to force our parents to take an oath using the Divine name nor can we do anything that would cause disgrace to our parents. I can imagine the guilt that a parent can put on a child for all the things he or she does that the parent claims is bringing disgrace to the “family” but I think in this case the law is referring to actions that will clearly cause personal disgrace or embarrassment to the parents.
I want to take some time to discuss what Judaism says should happen if a parent is abusive or evil. Can one repudiate their parent? Can one disassociate from a parent? Can one remove oneself from responsibility for an abusive parent? The short answer is no, a person can never be released from responsibility for a parent. There is no blessing to recite before honoring a parent because there is never a time when we are not obligated to honor our parents and not to curse or abuse them. The Talmud records a case where a Sage had a mother who would spit and curse him all day long. He never rebuked her but the one time she abused him in public, he said quietly and simply, “That’s enough Mother.”
I hasten to add that while we have responsibilities for our parents, the responsibility does not supersede our responsibility for our own health. If an abusive parent is destroying a child’s life, the child can turn the daily care of his parent over to a surrogate or hire a helper to insure that the parent is cared for and that he is removed from being the brunt of the parent’s perpetual anger and abuse. I think that the reason Jewish Law does not relieve us from responsibility for a parent is not for parent’s sake but for our own. Biting words, verbal abuse and physical abuse often do not end just because our parent has died. The pain and hurt can go on for the rest of our own lives. If we abandon our parent, then we will certainly feel the guilt and shame that we were not able to fulfill our responsibilities for their care and sustenance. That guilt can be as debilitating as the abusive parent and has the capacity to go on for the rest of our life. If, on the other hand, we fulfill our duties as best we can, even if we put another person in the middle to buffer us from their direct attacks, at least, when the end comes, we can say that we did do all we could. There is a sense of comfort and relief that can be healing after the abusive parent is gone if we know that we did what we could.
Our parents gave us life. It is a great gift. We are given a mandate from the Torah to do all we can for them as long as we and they are alive. We can’t repay them for the gift they gave us, so we honor them and refrain from cursing them as a constant way to thank them for our most precious gift, our very lives.

9-5769: Mitzvah N-45

Talmidav Shel Aharon

9-5769: Mitzvah N-45

March 3, 2009

Negative Mitzvah 45 – This is a negative commandment: Do not curse another Jew.

Hafetz Hayim: This prohibition is derived from the verse, “You shall not curse the deaf.” (Leviticus 19:14) It speaks of a deaf person to make a stronger point – that even though this individual does not hear and suffers no distress from the curse, nevertheless one transgresses by cursing. If a person curses himself, he likewise violates this. However, one who utters a curse does not commit the transgression unless he does so with the Divine name or a substitute name of God. If it was even with any term by which the heathen calls the Holy one, blessed be He, that is like any of the substitute holy names. This applies in every place and time, for both man and woman.

Here we have a law that is written about a specific case that the Sages have extended into the larger world. The Torah is specific that one should not curse someone who is deaf (nor put a stumbling block in front of a blind person). The Sages note that if one puts a stumbling block before the blind, the blind woman could still get hurt; but what hurt comes from cursing the deaf? The deaf man can’t hear the curse so what harm can it do?

The direct answer is that it causes embarrassment to those who are present and do hear the curse. It also shows the insensitivity and boorishness of the person who would pronounce such a curse. It is not a sign of wisdom or maturity to offer such a curse since the only purpose of this curse is to cause the deaf person to be humiliated no matter if he knows it or not.

The Rabbis then extend the prohibition to those who can hear. If it is a sin to curse a deaf man who cannot hear, how much more is it forbidden to curse a person who can hear, for not only is he still humiliated in front of others, but he also is hurt by the words that are hurled at him. By cursing another, one has violated a serious commandment that cuts to the very core of what it takes to be part of a community. The damage is terrible and thus this is not to be permitted.

Here we also see that one cannot even curse him/herself. In the heat of anger or frustration, we are not even allowed to call heavenly wrath upon ourselves. This is not just a form of self humiliation, but it can lead a person to give up on society and may even be akin to committing suicide. We may not believe that words can bring down death upon a person, but one who is so without hope that he or she wishes to be condemned in the worst way possible, will have no reason to want to repent, or rebuild his or her life. It is not a way we should even talk to ourselves.

Finally, we have to define what it means to curse. We are not talking about using swear words or hate speech. This law refers to calling down the “wrath of Heaven” by using the name of God to bring about hurt or disaster upon someone else. This means that the name of God must actually be used in order for the speech to be called a “curse”. One is liable for transgressing this law if he or she uses any common or customary name for God, not just one or two names, and even if an unconventional name is used, one that is a “nickname” of God or a commonly used word that stands for God.

To the Hafetz Hayim the law implies a prohibition between Jews, for the community he speaks of is the Jewish community. However, in the same way that the Sages extended the prohibition from a specific case to a general case, it should be considered forbidden to invoke a curse upon non-Jews as well.